Since returning from Canada right before New Years, I have been collecting transcripts filling out applications, getting referrals, and writing my autobiography. Funny this process of preparation for seminary is pushing all sorts of buttons for me.

I've had literal dreams of going back to school for years. I wasn't ready when I was fresh out of high school and began my music degree. There were so many things I didn't learn or take advantage of because I wasn't ready. I've dreamed of getting a kind of “do over” and to be able to really throw myself into something I'm passionate about. And now the dream is coming true but inside I'm that high school kid again (in a 44 year old body). I'm scared and ashamed of being so.

It's not just that I want to be successful as an MDiv student. That's only part of it. It's that this MDiv is a step toward another dream--living out the rest of my life in service to God and others. As things continue to go forward step by step, I'm waking up from the dream and this voice inside me sneers, "What kind of delusion is this that makes you think you're good enough for that?"

This is an old and familiar voice. I've been bullied by it most of my life. I was reminded on Friday when I went to see "Freedom Writers" (which I highly recommend) that many people have voices that tell them they are inadequate, not good enough. But they are wrong. About all of us. That is why I love this quote by Marianne Williamson so much:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Ok, so time for me to get back to it—hadn’t actually meant to post at all, but there you go! (Wanders off, coffee in hand, repeating, “All shall be well; all shall be well; all manner of thing shall be well.”)