FORMATION
1 : an act of giving form or shape to something or of taking form : DEVELOPMENT
2 : something that is formed
3 : the manner in which a thing is formed : STRUCTURE
This is my year of formation, per my bishop. When I go to seminary then my formation will be about becoming a priest. But this period of formation is about being a lesbian. My bishop, a wise and gentle man, wants me to have this year to more fully settle into my own skin because I only came out 2 ½ years ago.
Certainly, there are aspects of this that are fun—catching up on lingo, culture, and forming new relationships with people that are like me, etc., but then there are the other times. Like this morning.
This morning I was awash in grief; grief that it took so long, that I didn’t face it as a child, as a teenager, as a 20 or 30 something. Yes, I was surrounded by people that said homosexuality was not only a sin, but an abomination, a reason to be consigned to hell. The only teaching I was given was that it wasn’t God’s intention and isn’t natural. So I tried to be what was expected. I did counseling. I had people pray away evil spirits. I lived a “straight” life.
But that wasn’t natural for me. I finally realized that who I am is not a sin, nor is how I love. I am not an abomination and I am not going to hell. It is not God’s intention that I live a lie or a fractured existence.
What is hard is that it’s taken me so long to get to this place. I feel like I was such a coward. Part of me always knew. Others managed to find a way to being true to themselves. Why couldn’t I? Have I wasted the last 20 years? Am I destined to be permanently assigned to the children’s table at Life’s banquet? Feels like it a lot of the time.
I’m usually pretty private about matters of the heart but today all I can seem to do is cry. Please don’t pity me, that’s not why I’m sharing this. I think I just needed to say how I’m feeling and to be heard.
posted by Zanne @ 12:02 PM
19 comments
19 Comments:
Sweetie, some people go their entire life without recognizing and/or owning up to their authentic self. They end up living a lie and stifling who they are. The fact that you were capable of introspection, able to finally figure out and publicly admit who you are to yourself and those around you speaks volumes. It says, despite the anti-gay propaganda present in parts of my religion, society and culture I am going to stand up and be me. It says, I have conquered the confusion, the frustration, the denial and now I am going to stand up and be me. It says, while it was a long and arduous journey I made it. I am standing up and being me. For that, my wonderful friend, you are no coward.
Don't lament where you have been, rejoice in where you are. You are in a happy place. A place where you are surrounded by people (real world and cyberspace) who like, love and support you.
Um, okay, shutting up now.
Huge Hugs!
I hear you.
{{{hugs}}}
I had to close my office door. This made me weep.
I am familiar with so much of your experience. I knew I was a lesbian, but because of my upbringing I couldn't deal with it.
I had a brief experience at 17. While it lasted I felt authentic and alive for the first time in my life. But when it ended, I could not deal with what had happened.
So I lived the next 20+ years as an imposter, a fake, a fraud. I was filled with self-loathing. It drove me in other areas in life—like school and career. I married when I shouldn't have. And my alienation and self-loathing intensified when that blew up. The only saving grace from that period of my life is Amanda (who incidentally, I almost named "Grace").
At about 37, my marriage all but over, I finally gave up living the lie. I began to come out to myself. That led to another huge mistake, one which I will always regret.
There is so much I admire about you Zanne. While it may seem that you wasted 20 years of your life, you avoided big, life altering mistakes along the way. And what really impresses me most; you still have your faith. That takes courage.
You are not a coward. Not in my eyes.
When you begin your ministry, you will discover so many people that have lived your life. You will provide great comfort to them, because you will be authentic. Don't look back on the past 20 years as time lost. You have a gift to give people like us. And we SO need it.
Sometimes when I hear the word “Christian” or go to church, I get this sense of negativity that stems within me. It’s all because I fear how other people will judge me as a Christian lesbian.
Take for instance, premarital heterosexual sex. How many people do you think practice this? What about marrying a divorcee? In the bible, that’s considered adultery---part of the Ten Commandments. Homosexuality is not part of the Ten Commandments.
I also believe that the bible has some material in there that can be misinterpreted. To know the difference between promiscuity and monogamous love is a wonderful thing. These ‘so called church goers/bible thumpers/holier than thou folks think the word “homosexual” means SEX---and nothing else. It means EVIL DOINGS. Well, I guess someone should remind them that they’re not perfect either.
Don’t let people get you down. Remember, people will always disappoint you…but God will never.
Trust in Him.
I feel utterly unqualified to offer a comment on this, but when has this ever stopped me?
People like you give me great hope, Zanne. No doubt you'll reconcile your feelings and move forward a stronger person.
On a purely selfish note, I'm mortified that I've taken such delight in saying FUCK on a future priest's blog. I didn't know this was your ambition. Totally cool. (I'm SO going to hell)
Dearest Bent, you should never shut up because everything you offer to me is always cause for reflection, and a source of love and encouragement! Thank you for giving me perspective--you are right (must be a mon-wed-or-fri;) ) I must rejoice in where I am not lament where I've been, and remember all the wonderful people that are here now making my life a happy place! Thanks for being such a prominent participant! xoxoxo
Court, thank you sweetie, you've just given me a valuable and precious gift! Hugs!
Tropopause, ((((T)))) for what you've been through. I wept for you. I am so glad that you have the gift of Amanda. I hope that having her can remind you each day that it wasn't a waste and I hope that having C. reminds you each day that there's nothing left to loathe, only love.
And thank you my friend for not thinking me a coward and for your encouraging words about how God may use my life. It is the one hope that I cling to most fiercely; but you needn't admire me for my faith because I need God like I need air--S/He's my source, and so in that respect there was never really a choice. Thank you for being my friend! xoxo
Hello Deb and welcome! Thank you for your encouragement and taking the time to write. There's a lot wrong in what is called "church" right now. It grieves me but it also spurs me forward into deeper and deeper authenticity because I don't think I can come to God with any less. I don't believe anybody can. And if all people are called to be what God has made them to be, then who are we to pass judgement on that. Some part of me really believes that all true children of God will some day get to that place of realization. Perhaps we'll both get to play a part in that.
Peace to you Deb.
Syd darlin, you are never unqualified to offer any comment on this blog--deal?! And as for going to hell, I believe we've already had this conversation! :) You fucking belong with us! (feel better now? tee hee!)
Oh Sweet Zanne, I'm so sorry you went through that. No, that's not pity, just heart felt feelings. Perhaps, my friend, you had to go through those times to learn lessons that will allow you to help others as you minister to them. It's all those years and experiences, good and bad, which have made you into the person that you are. I know we only see a small side of you on here, but as I've said before, you're an amazing person, with so much to offer the world, from who you are, at the core of your soul. Big hugs!
You took the time you needed to take. You're where you need to be now.
And good for your bishop. You'll catch so much static for being lesbian and a priest, that you need to give yourself some settling time.
*hug*
I waited a while to respond to this one...
It does bother me, even still... Even tho' I don't think homosexuality is a sin... Even tho' I KNOW it isn't. Just the fACT that the fucking majority of born agains believe it is so wrong & hate us really hurts. Then it enrages me... Those assholes really piss me off. Good thing I don't have one of Syd's guns. Or anyone's gun... I'm serious.
And I go to a church where everyone knows Doris & I are gay, they love us, but they never mention it... They still believe it's wrong. But D's grandparents started the church so she won't go to MCC or anywhere else. It doesn't bother her, but she's 70 & of a different generation - somewhat still in the closet. It bugs me beyond belief & I have started to work more on sundays so I don't go as often.
I came out three months ago, just shy of my 46th birthday. I feel in love with two women over the course of my life and never did anything about it-I married a man I should not have-but have two wonderful young people to show for it.
I am encouraged, but still afraid-my ship has sailed.
My heart and thoughts are with you, today, tomorrow and beyond.
May Peace Be With You.
By the time you read this it will be a new, and hopefully better day. I'm sorry that you had to spend so much time with such narrow-minded people. And that's not pity - I'm sorry that so many people can be that way.
As to whether you've wasted 20 years - of course not! Those years are what led you to be who you are today. I think we're all cowards about one thing or another. It is just so much more difficult when the issue is so personal.
Your image of being assigned to the children's table at Life's banquet really resonates with me. You're not there alone...
I should never shut up? You will eat those words. muhuahuahua!
O babygirl,
Im sending you a massive hug, actually 2, one from me and the other from fairy :-)
I hear you darling and Im glad your sharing it, getting it off your chest, so to speak.
I understand what your feeling, as and Irish catholic the same thing was drummed into my head.I was also a shocked by something I heard about fairy and I, I will fill you in with a post. But for now, keep talking, we're always here to listen my good friend.
Lots of love and hugs XxXxXxXxXxX
Sassy, thanks for the kind encouragement; it really means a lot! Big Hugs to you!
CrackerLilo, you're right about me needing this time--the road ahead is going to be pretty interesting! Thanks for the affirmation and hug!
KMae, ok missy stay away from the guns-you're scaring me! ;)
Your church situation sounds challenging but I can't help hoping that people's unchallenged assumptions about what they think they know will be tempered by being able to put a face on it. It takes courage to be that face and I can tell you are no coward! Hugs!
Only daughter, sounds like you're pretty close to my experience, except I don't have your wonderful children. May they bring you joy and be reminders that nothing is wasted. I wish for you peace in who you are and confidence in your ability to find, give and receive love. Blessings to you!
Merryn, it is a new day indeed and I do feel lighter thanks in large part to such dear friends! Knowing that you always understand my heart so well is a real gift to me and I treasure your friendship. As for us both being at the "kid's table" well at least I know who I'm flinging peas at! :D
Bent, I'm going to eat those words, am I? Like to see you try and make me! :P
Maddie, thank you for the hugs! And please thank Fairy too! Your warmth continues to wrap my heart in a blanket of comfort! Love and hugs!!!!
I wish there was more that I could say to help, but what I can offer is that you have found yourself and have found the courage to be proud of that and live the life you were meant to, it is never too late. Some people never find that courage so think of it as you are lucky to know who and what you are.
Zanne, the fact that you are who you are, helps me be who I am. Thank you.
Hello Zanne. :) You know what? I wasn't raised Christian, but I was raised in the suburbs, where if you found yourself to be the only gay in the village it was advisable to leave - fast.
When I was 15 I came out as being attracted to women...but it wasn't until this year, at 27, that I felt strong/brave enough to come out as not being attracted to men. I clung on to the bisexual idea for years, and as a result I think I hurt someone very special to me, a man who I cared about a great deal, but it could never have worked between us. I was being dishonest with myself and so with him also. And I regret it.
But I don't regret the journey so far. I've learnt a lot, and I have my son who I love very much, and now I feel like a new chapter in my life has begun. Even though I haven't got the faintest idea which way to go!
I couldn't agree more with what The Tropopause said:
"When you begin your ministry, you will discover so many people that have lived your life. You will provide great comfort to them, because you will be authentic. Don't look back on the past 20 years as time lost. You have a gift to give people like us. And we SO need it."
Nothing is lost. Only gained.
Much love, Jules.
Betty, thanks! :D
UnB, no sweetie thank you. (((UnB)))
Jules, I'm excited for this new chapter in your life; good on you! Blessings and love to you!
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