Home, War, Heartbreak aka Silencing the Gnats ;)

Ok the little thought gnats are buzzing around so loudly it’s deafening inside my wee little head, so let’s let a few out and see what kind of peace can be achieved.

Just got back from a long weekend with my family in northern Ontario—Canada, that is. My Mom lives in a beautiful home on a lake where the sun shines in my bedroom window to wish me good morning, and then sets on the other side of the house across the bay, so I can bid the day adieu from the porch. It’s really breathtakingly beautiful and I love being there. I also love being with my family. Are we perfect? Hardly, but I am who I am because of them. I’ve lived apart from them for over 18 years and sometimes I think I forget who I am—going home grounds me and I am so grateful to have them. Grateful that they put up with me and keep loving me no matter what.

I celebrated my birthday while there and the rest of the time I spent watching CNN. I have this need to understand things, so I sat and listened. I heard the reporters, the leaders of Lebanon and Israel, the military strategists, the Middle East experts, and the families that are waiting to find out if their loved ones will get out. Then I heard my own heart and mind that told me, “that didn’t make sense; he’s lying; they don’t care about the civilians; they’ve got to stop; those poor people; God help us all.” Last night on BBC News a reporter spoke to a man who lived in a neighborhood where the houses had been decimated. He knew the people that were buried but there’s no question of rescuing them or retrieving the bodies. There are no fork lifts or people to dig through the rubble and the one UN envoy that was on the way to help got bombed. Can you imagine if that happened to us? If our world collapsed and there was no one to help. Actually, I guess it did happen to us—many of us—it was called Katrina. We do know what it is to be powerless and hopeless. So how should we respond? How do we respond? Just askin’…

OK, and the last thing is one more notch for my grief belt. Before leaving for Canada I was contacted by my old rector. He’d been interviewed for an article in The NY Times and the reporter wanted to speak to me for an opposing point of view. (I’d left the church because of its stance on homosexuality). Obviously, it was a fairly amicable parting for us to still be friends and in touch. We just simply agreed to disagree. Anyway, I declined the interview. I just read the article and my old church has decided to leave the Episcopal church and join the Anglican Network (the conservative alternative that disagrees with the movements going on in the Episcopal church).

You know what? I’ve been gentle and open and honest but I need to say outloud:
“M. you’re making a mistake. You’re not really open to hearing things you don’t agree with even though you think you are. How is it that no one has loved you enough to point out to you that the things coming out of your mouth are wrong and hypocritical? Was I supposed to be that person? Did I fail you because I didn’t fight harder to be heard? I know you’re wrong because I’ve been you. I’ve taken the high road for what I believed in my youth and much much later have realized that I had a lot of growing up to do. Perhaps it will change you the way it changed me. You were quoted as saying, “…unity, but at what cost?” I would say to you, “Your integrity, but at what cost?” Do you really in your heart of hearts think that God feels the way you do or is asking you to make this decision? You’ve always been a humble man, one of the reasons I loved you, but is that mutually exclusive with wisdom? Can you really not even consider that your beliefs are very much influenced by your culture, upbringing and personal temperament? Are you so absolutely sure of being right that you won’t even consider other voices that could perhaps help, teach, and correct your misperceptions? Or is it simply more important to you to be right? Truthfully my friend, if I were your spiritual director I’d ask you to consider whether God values more your trust in the dark then your bravado in the half-light. Maybe I’m the only one for whom the question even makes any sense… God go with you my brother.”

This concludes today’s ranting and raving. I’m sure the post is too long but the gnats are quiet. Peace at last. Exhale.