Zanne Ado

"Mr." Obama?!!

2009-10-21T18:45:00.002-04:00

OK, maybe I haven't been paying attention but in the last 2 days I have heard the media on the radio and on a major network news station refer to our President as Mr. Obama. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that's PRESIDENT Obama to you!

Really people help me out because I honestly don't remember President Bush EVER being called Mr.

Is it me?

(Oh, and if it's not me, color this woman pissed! I'm just sayin'...)

Remember me?

2009-09-16T21:59:00.004-04:00

It's been over 2 years since I posted anything and I'd imagine that anyone who used to visit here has long since given up on me. So I guess, at least for now, I'm just writing for me.

Why write at all? Maybe I just need a witness...

So much has changed over the last 2 years. It feels like my whole life has changed. I've completed 2 years of seminary and am now in my senior year. I've crammed my head full of facts, opened my heart to new people and places, loved and lost, and allowed myself to be formed into things I didn't know I was or could be.

And now here I am. My toes hanging over the precipice. I can't imagine jumping but it doesn't matter because the ground is going to give, one way or the other. A beloved priest friend likened this phase of my journey as unstoppable--like coming down the birth canal. My reponse? EWWW!!! I get what she meant but the visual was disconcerting to say the least! ... still, there are moments of feeling completely disoriented, squeezed to the point of expiration, and blinded by the brief glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel.

Very little has turned out to be the way I thought it was or would be. Note to self: the future is unlikely to be any different. I guess it's a good thing that I'm going into the "faith business." :)

But I can't end my first (only?) post back on such a glib note. I may be standing on the precipice but I don't stand, or fall for that matter, alone. If I've learned anything over the last few years it's that all of life is relationship--with each other, ourselves, and God. I spend my days in class and chapel with innumerable opportunities for connection and I am blessed. So, if when I'm home alone, done with my reading and paper writing for the day, I may just need to connect one more time. I think that's why I wrote...

Missing but not dead and gone...

2007-08-17T10:21:00.000-04:00

Have been very negligent with ye ol' blog of late, so will try to fill in the gap a bit.

Radioactive girl did indeed get busted at the airport. The ironic part was it happened on the fourth and final plane ride of the trip. None of the other airports had picked it up. On top of that the isotopes (sp?) were suppsed to be out of my system in a week. I got busted on day 10. Go figure!

I got back to the big apple in time to finish up 2 more weeks of work. Saying goodbye is exhausting. I had not anticipated becoming so attached to my co-workers. I feel really blessed to have worked with such good people for the last year and a half.

The day after I finished up at the job I was supposed to be on a plane at 7:45 a.m. to God's country (Canada, for anyone that's new here!). Well that was not to be for reasons that are still somewhat ambiguous. So after being up at 4:30 a.m. I turned around at 8:30 and went home. I ended up on a plane the next day at the same time.

Which brings me up to the present. I have been with my family in Canada since the 4th and it's been really wonderful. Where my mother lives is breathtakingly beautiful. I've tried to take some pics but don't know how to download them on this computer--will try to remedy that when I return home.

I can't believe that I start school the week after next. It's amazing how long it's taking me to get used to this idea. It still feels very surreal. I feel as if I'm teetering on a precipice and it's exciting and unnerving all at the same time. I'm sure I'll calm down once I've begun and I see what it's like. In the meantime I will continue the deep breathing accompanied by the occasional cocktail!

Yes, I am...

2007-07-12T20:03:00.001-04:00

(at least for the next few days)
I got a nuclear stress test this afternoon and was told that I need to stay away from pregnant women and small children for the next few days. Oh yes, and when I go on vacation this week, I can expect to set off the airport security devices. (They gave me a card to verify why I'm setting off the alarms. Let us hope that the highly intelligent airport security can read and reason, um, intelligently.)

PS
The test said that all is well with my heart which means that the chest pains are indeed due to stress. What a goober I am!

PPS
Later in the evening I'm planning on turning off all the lights and see if I glow in the dark.

This blog is rated...

2007-07-06T11:39:00.000-04:00

Stole this from I can't remember where but since I felt the need to post something, it served its purpose.

I know this place has been completely boring lately. For anyone that still stops by may I just say "bless you!"

I have exactly 4 weeks left at work before I go to God's Country (translation: Canada) for a respite before the major life change (read: school).

Lots of stuff has happened this last month: student housing fell through so I will not be moving onto campus (have decided this is a blessing in disguise, which doesn't mean there wasn't histrionics when I first found out--I am a drama queen afterall); a dear friend of mine passed away unexpectedly last week (possible post forthcoming...); and during routine check up I found out I have high blood pressure for the first time in my life (it was fine 4 months ago). My conclusion is that the stress has finally caught up with me (at least my body seems to think so).

So anyway, hope everyone is enjoying their summer.
Later 'gators!

My beautiful Mom

2007-06-14T12:13:00.000-04:00

I am woefully late with this, but my mother's birthday was on Monday and she is 81 years young!

Dear Mom,
Hope you won't mind me posting some pics of you but I think you look really beautiful and I wanted to share them.
Thank you for all you've given me in my life. I so appreciate every loving gesture and every generous gift and opportunity. I wish you continued health and an abundance of peace and joy. May every day be filled with the confidence that you are loved and that you are important. Always will be.
I love you Mom.
Forever xoxo

2007-05-30T14:51:00.001-04:00

It is an insistent grace that draws us to the edge and beckons us to surrender safe territory and enter our enormity.

--Stephen & Ondrea Levine

The Feast of the Ascension

2007-05-17T11:20:00.000-04:00

Today is the Feast of the Ascension. It is the day when we celebrate the bodily ascension of Jesus into heaven, or back to the Father/Mother. New York City celebrates this day by suspending alternate side street parking, for which I am grateful. For me it goes a little deeper.

I have been doing a lot of reading about what is going on in my church—The Episcopal Church. I am trying to understand what is happening and trying to grasp the complexities of the arguments on both sides. There is no question where I stand—inclusion and acceptance of all—but I’ve been aware for some time of my less than stellar ability to listen and respond calmly when challenged on something about which I am passionate.

So I have been listening to those who feel that my church is a social club that cares nothing about God and just makes up the rules as we go along. One dear brother called it a “heaven for perverts.” The lies and vilification aimed at my church, my faith, and my very being have at times stunned me. I am quick to react with hate to those who hate me. I am not proud of this.

In fact, the ugliness inside me has been working as a kind of catalyst toward a dream for a new way of being. The vision goes something like this: I am face to face with someone actually saying all these hate filled words to my face. But now for me, inwardly all is calm, outwardly all is kindness, courtesy, and love. (Those of you that know me in real life can stop laughing now!)

This is so far from who I am right now—case in point, the best I could do yesterday when I found out about the passing of Jerry Falwell, was to just say nothing. Inside was quite a different scenario. Again, it’s pretty easy to hate those who hate you, but of course I wasn’t fooling God now, was I? Which brings me now to this business of Jesus bodily going home to be with the Father/Mother.

Knowing that I am loved, accepted, prayed for, looked after and called God’s daughter and friend, changes me. Meditating on the ascent of my Lord somehow gives me a vision of being lifted up too. It is a vision of transformation to wholeness; to my best self. It’s not something that I wrest for myself but something that is done on my behalf by Someone greater. It’s like I’m holding the hand of the One that loves me most and best and am being absorbed into pure light and love. There is no hope of darkness surviving this journey nor hope of staying the same. This is my vision of the Ascension and it changes me. It gives me hope. I am not what I will someday become and I am no longer what I once was. He is ascended. I am loved.

Amen.

Topic: Beauty

2007-05-09T09:52:00.000-04:00

Discuss.

Took these pics on my cell phone camera this morning on the way to work. Tulips hold a special place in my heart so my heart leapt when I saw these. Beauty can center me faster than just about anything. It's like praying with your eyes.
Blessings this day.

Heart over Lake Simcoe

2007-05-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRIS!

My life is what it is because you were in it.
You are the truest, most loyal person I know.
You are a walking example of graciousness
and courage.
I am so proud to know and have you in my life
and am unbelievably blessed to call you friend.
Here's to another 33 years of friendship.
Love you my friend xo

Here's to a fantastically wonderful year!

Spring is in the air (doo doo doo)

2007-04-30T11:25:00.000-04:00

I have been haunting Central Park for weeks waiting for my favourite tree to bloom. Well yesterday was my day!

Here are some of the pics from my adventure in the park--flowers, trees, and wild life (especially the last one!).

Pathway to my Beauty...

is she not glorious!

Because all Canadians live in igloos, right?

2007-04-24T08:59:00.000-04:00

This is for Prof Tina who needs her day of sunshine!

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A : Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary ,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

(This brilliant example of smartassery brought a tear to my eye! So very proud I am of being Canadian!)

Yes I am a geek

2007-04-22T19:35:00.000-04:00

just needed a little confidence builder ;)

You know the Bible 100%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
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Obedience, inspiration, joy, and hope

2007-04-18T10:16:00.000-04:00

Once again I have been ordered out of my quiet solitude by Miss ~~Bossy~~ Sassy Femme. Actually, I’m quite moved that she noticed. Reminds me of the conversation in which I told my stepmother that I had a blog (and then had to explain what a blog was) and she asked me, “Why would anyone care?” Well, it seems that somebody does and it’s one of the many reasons that I so value my friend.

Sometimes there’s just too much to write about, so I write nothing. It’s all I can do to keep the whirring in my head down to a semi-deafening roar. Still, since Sassy’s summoning I will endeavor to give some of the highlights since Easter.

Last week I happened to see a notice for a lecture as I walked by a church near work. The speaker was someone that I had heard of in the past but wasn’t very familiar with. The reason it caught my attention was that I had just spent the last couple of days on one of my favorite “Episcopal happenings” site (my term) and had noticed that quite a few of the commenters referenced James Alison. Well it turned out that he was speaking the next night at this church and on one of my favorite themes—“How can I be gay and Catholic?” (read Christian) I was stunned by the man’s intellect but even more so by the spirit of the man. There was such peace and lack of resentment, anger, or bitterness. I walked away in awe, inspired and filled with hope. I am working my way through one of his books and must say it’s like learning how to read again. I think that I’m probably only getting a fraction of what he’s saying but I keep seeing his gentle humble face and am moved to go a little deeper.

The next day I was on a plane to Vermont to attend my friends’ wedding aka holy union blessing. What an incredible honor and privilege it was to see these 2 men, one of whom is a priest, who have loved, honored, and supported each other for almost 17 years make a public commitment before God, family, and friends. It was such an inspiration and so incredibly normal and right. I honestly don’t have words to express the profound hope and joy I felt all last weekend.

Then of course there has been the heartbreak of this week, for which I truly have no words. Some things are simply impossible to understand. Please remember the students, families, and community of Virginia Tech in your prayers.

Those were some of the highlights. There is much more but I think this should be sufficient for now—ok Miss Sassy? If I’m more quiet than usual, it’s simply because I’m trying to get organized with regard to financial aid applications and trying to navigate the logistics of completely uprooting my whole life. Prayers would be much appreciated!

Happy Easter

2007-04-07T23:04:00.000-04:00

Glorious Mystery

darkness dispersed by Light

death swallowed up by Life

despair banished by Hope

dread evicted by Joyous Expection

Wondrous Glorious Mystery

Resurrect our love, compassion, and kindness

Consume our fear, cruelty, and pride

May that which made empty the tomb

Ignite our lives and transform us for good

for glory

forever.

Journey during Holy Week

2007-04-03T09:46:00.000-04:00

Holy Week began for me with a celebration. My dear friend of the heart, otherwise known as "Soul Sister," made her life profession as an episcopal nun last Saturday. I don't know when I have been so moved. Knowing all that she's been through, seeing where she's been and who she is made me feel so proud and humbled at the same time.

I'm sure she has no idea about the lessons she has taught me over the years through her ups and downs, struggles and joys. It takes real courage to be fully human. What do I mean by "fully human"? I mean being courageously truthful about all that you are, all that you think and feel--not hiding anything from yourself or the One from whom nothing is hid.

If becoming fully human can be compared to the act of giving birth, I can witness to the bloodiness and mess of it. I can also witness to the miracle of freedom and fullness at the end of it.

By the time Palm Sunday arrived I was worn out with joy.

Now I am feeling simpy quiet.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Humbled.

Let me share from one of the prayers on Saturday:

O God, we humbly ask that as we go out from here today,
warm with the love of one another and of You,
we carry to a world in need the gifts of your Holy Spirit.
Grant us wisdom, understanding, counsel, knowledge,
ghostly strength, true godliness and holy fear.
Give us grace to place our trust in You,
to abandon oursleves to your loving service
and proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Give us eyes to see and ears to hear oppression,
deceit, anger and fear and meet them
with hope and love and truth and freedom.
Give us hearts that break then mend them
with the knowledge that it is the love we love with
that is the healing love.

Give it up for my friend Mr. Adorable aka Gunfighter

2007-03-29T13:33:00.000-04:00

I invited my good friend Gunfighter to guest blog when I saw this post over at his place. There has been a lot going on in The Episcopal Church this last week and I've spent an inordinate amount of time reading everything I can find. So much so that I simply haven't been able to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Luckily, articulation happens to be one of Mr. Adorable's most shining qualities, along with his huge, kind heart! So, heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Gunfighter!

________________________________________________________

Something is bothering me and I'll tell you what it is: What has me bothered is the continuing unrest in the American branch of the worldwide Anglican Communion, which we refer to, in the United States, as the Episcopal Church. A Church body that is in full communion with my own. You see, the American branch of the Anglican communion has taken a courageous, and wholly Christian stance (in my view) by not only ordaining women, but electing openly gay people to serve as priests. This has caused a great deal of unrest in American church, as you might imagine.

It was reported, three days ago, in the Washington Post, that Colorado's largest Episcopal Church, Grace Church & St. Stephen's academy (est. 1872), in Colorado Springs, Colorado, has elected to leave the American Episcopal church, and enter into association with an ultra-conservative Anglican church body from Nigeria.

Why? Because various congregations in the United States want to use the word of God to codify their bigotry.

This isn't a new thing, unfortunately. In recent years, the Episcopal church has done some things that don't sit well with it's more conservative members. First, in the 1970's the U.S. church started ordaining women as Priests, Next, in 2003, an openly gay Priest, The Reverend Gene Robinson...

...was elected and consecrated as the Bishop for New Hampshire. In 2006, a woman, Bishop Kathrine Jefferts Schiori, of Nevada, was elected as Presiding Bishop for the entire American church.

Jefferts-Schori

That did it! The conservative elements had had all they were going to take. Many Parishes left after the consecration of the gay Bishop, and over the past year, dozens parishes had elected to leave the church with Jefferts Schori's ascension and the determination of the national church body to continue to bless same-sex unions and refusal to exclude gay members.

I, for one, applaud the action of the Episcopal church. At a time when many churches are taking the stand of exclusivity, as if the church is some sort of country club that needs to keep out the rabble, and in some cases deciding to not decide, the Episcopal church has taken a stand, that I consider to be in line with the theology of Jesus Christ: That all are welcome.

I mean, I could get deeply scriptural here, but I won't... there are plenty of places you can find that if you want. Here it is: Why is it that churches will split over homosexuality, but not over adultery? over homosexuality, but not over lying; sexual infidelity or "sexually inappropriate" behavior by the Pastor; theft; spousal abuse; and on and on? I'll tell you why... because people like having another group to hate... and it is particularly helpful to hate a group that you can get the clergy to agree with you on. You see, we Christians like to feel holy when we sin.

I'll say that again: We Christians like to feel holy when we sin.

It isn't fashionable to be openly racist in America anymore, especially in the church, but thankfully we still have one group that we can openly attack, and we can even try to use scripture against them You guessed it, gay people. Isn't that great? black people, white people, Latino people... we can all hold hands, sing Kumbaya, and exclude gay people from the body of Christ! AMEN!

I'm ill about it.

My oldest sister is gay. She is an ordained minister. She is leaving her church. She has to, before the congregation that loves the way she preaches the gospel, finds out about her love life. I have friends, some of whom read this blog, that no longer are active in their churches, because of the stances of their churches. I have a friend that is seeking ordination in the very same denomination that is struggling on this issue, and I am very proud of the courage that she has shown in the face of all of this furor.

People the world over have tried to cover their hatred of gays by quoting a few passages from the Bible while conveniently forgetting the most important parts of the Gospels: "For you are saved by grace through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast." **Please note that this passage from the second chapter of Ephesians doesn't add the caveat "unless you are a homosexual"**

If nothing that I have said makes any sense to you, let me close with this: Excluding someone from your church or it's sacraments because of their sexual orientation is not only a sin, but it's un-American.

That's what I said, un-American. You see, we claim to cling to the notion that <"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

You see, the pursuit of happiness, which includes matrimony, is an American right. A right. A right that the church shouldn't be able to ignore because of the bigotry of some adherents.

American slavery began to be abolished in 1863, and it took until 2000 for the last prohibitions against interracial marriage to end in this country. It may take a long time, but I say to those who are waiting... be of good cheer, history is on your side.

Peace,

Help me!

2007-03-28T21:37:00.000-04:00

Will somebody please explain to me why he's not gone?!!!

Tiny glimpse into my psyche...

2007-03-27T09:29:00.000-04:00

 
Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Evangelism? I don't think so.

2007-03-21T15:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I wasn't exactly handing out tracts, an activity that I strongly disagree with and have never engaged in, but I did spend my lunch hour on the street handing out pamphlets to passersby, telling them about what my company does.

And may I say that I have brand new respect and pity for those who do this on a regular basis, or heaven forbid, as a job. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stand there with a smile on your face, searching for the few individuals who will give you eye contact and be willing to let you hand them something? It is mortifying I tell you! Anyone who needs to experience those feelings of rejection should give this a try for an hour or so.

In future, when passing someone giving stuff away on the street, I will look at them, smile, and take whatever they're giving away, if for no other reason to help them get rid of their stack and be able to get off the street. Please join me in taking pity on those poor brave people (and do smack me upside my head if I ever consider volunteering for such a task ever again!)

PS
And just in case anyone was actually interested in my views on evangelism, I'm the one looking for a t-shirt that says this:
"Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words."
--St. Francis of Assisi

The next 3 years will be spent...

2007-03-15T13:32:00.000-04:00

in New York City!

Prestigious CT school did not take me and it is ok! It really is. I was drawn to each school for completely different reasons and I feel like this is the answer to the prayer of, "Lord, lead me to the place that is best for me."

So I am very excited that now I know! I am excited at all the wonderful experiences ahead, the wonderful people I've already met and will meet in the future; the community that I will be privileged to be a part of; the learned experts I will sit under; the challenges that will deepen my call and cause me to grow! I am so glad and deep in my heart feel that this is the right choice.

Thank you for all the support and encouragement~every thought, kind word, and prayer has helped bring me to this place and I am so happy to get to share it with you!

To steal the favorite phrase of a very dear friend:

YAY!!!!!!

Perched on the Precipice

2007-03-14T20:38:00.000-04:00

There are moments when it seems fitting to stop, process, and reflect; like on New Year's Eve or any other moment when what comes next will change the rest of your life. So, with wine in hand, I'm taking a moment.

Tomorrow I will know where I'm spending the next 3 years of my life. Perhaps that doesn't quite measure up to the vast change that happens when a child is born, or marriage vows are taken, or someone dies. But for me, it is the moment when I finally leave the "Land of Uncertainty."

I have lived in this place for over 4 years. I have surrendered over and over and over again, praying, "God your will be done." Actually, the prayer was not quite that eloquent or succinct. It was more along the lines of, "Lord, I have no idea what we're doing here and I really want to know what you want, so if this isn't it, please close the door. Be clear with me because you know how dense I am. You are good and whatever you will for me is good so please help me to accept and embrace whatever that is."

I have told the truth when it meant a potential end to this process of formal discernment. I have bounced like a ping pong ball back and forth when my truth threw the authority that is in place, into a quandary: "Well we've never had this happen before...(a 40 something year old woman coming out in an attempt to be completely honest and authentic) and we're not really sure what to do with her..."

I realize that I've put down roots in this land of holding things loosely, and now when I am about to find out a certainty that will shape the direction for my career and potentially the rest of my life, I am undone.

I have spent close to 4 1/2 years desperately wanting to know the end of the story, or at least part one. I have wiggled and struggled in the restraints and tried to calm my heart. I've been tossed back and forth by others and tried to stay open to the idea that maybe this was God speaking through circumstance. And now here I am, in complete amazement at this place in which people have said "yes" to my call, trying to take in that God has said "yes" to the offer of my life on Her altar, and the thing that I have waited for so long--the decision--unhinges me.

My rector and parish said yes. My second rector and parish that so graciously took me in after I came out, said yes. My peers said yes. My Bishop said yes. Tomorrow, my school will say yes and I will know where the next set of uncertainties are to be lived out.

I am amazed to have been brought this far. I've lost count of the times when I readied my heart for the door to be closed, and yet, miraculously, here I am. I still don't know what I'm doing here and in truth, I am completely daunted at what lies ahead. But, there is no question in my heart that this is the path. Tonight I will not think of where or how. I will enjoy the bliss of not knowing. I will dwell in the land of maybe. Tonight it's all undecided and I find that I actually like this place. This place that I've done everything I could think of to leave, is the place I now grieve to leave.

But happily, for me there will be many, many more places of uncertainty to come.

Anything is possible.

Always.

Thank you dearest Lord.

Amen

Time for laughter in the waiting room

2007-03-08T11:55:00.000-05:00

Update: cat scan neg, surgery successful, the final seminary decision will be posted on the 15th. Thanks for the prayers and good wishes! Hugs!

Now a little something to make you smile--these were so cute, I just had to share!
(note to Syd, thought #2 might be appropriate for TLF!)

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Life as a waiting room

2007-03-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

Next time someone asks me, “What do you do?” I would like to answer, “I wait.”

I’m beginning to think that most of life is lived in the “waiting room.” Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

I’m waiting:

· to see where I’ll go to school;

· what the result of the cat scan is;

· if my family member’s surgery will be successful;

· how my friends and family weather the storms of life, etc.

So there I am, merrily skipping along, ignoring the obvious so that I can feel like I’m in control. Everyone does it. In fact, I’m not so sure that it isn’t one of life’s unacknowledged yet universal goals.

And then something happens, or doesn’t happen the way I want it to and I am faced once again with my limitations, vulnerability, and dependence on the goodness of others and the grace of my God. In the good moments, I squirm and wiggle, in the bad I can be found screaming and throwing a tantrum. God doesn’t seem to mind either one. Eventually, I’ll calm down, or wear myself out, and in that moment I find that it’s ok to be powerless because I’m being held and loved and protected by the One who has all the power.

“All shall be well. All shall be well. All manner of thing shall be well.”
--Julian of Norwich

Life is full, life is good!

2007-03-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

OK before I get to the good stuff—KMae keep your pants on!—I would like to say that I have a bit of good news. I got into the NYC seminary! Now as excited as I am about this, there is still the decision of where I will actually go. Confused? Well, the other school in CT won’t let me know if I’m accepted until March 15, and truth be told, I am not yet clear about which school would be best for me, which means that there will be a tad more agida for the next few weeks as I sort through my pro and con list while listening to the Spirit and my heart.

Now on to last weekend and the Blog get together at Sassy and Fran’s. First, may I say that they are the consummate hosts! From the moment I walked in the door, I was in heaven—beautiful location, gorgeous home that was perfectly decorated to make anyone feel instantly at home, warm and generous hostesses, and food food food!

Now I’d had the privilege of meeting Sassy and Fran before so I wasn’t nervous about meeting them—but I must confess to a tad of trepidation about meeting the rest of the gang. (Yes, I am an introvert—INFJ to be specific.) But silly me! What a great bunch of women—the overflow of estrogen was a truly heady thing! (Sorry KMae, but I don’t have any pics; you are just going to have to be there next time!)

It’s such a fun thing to be able to hear the online voices in a whole new way. Sassy is the very essence of warmth as is Fran; Tropopause is just as smart in person but with a southern gentleness that is completely engaging; Courtney is a southern version of sweet and sassy; Syd is Syd but in an understated gentle kind of way; K, Syd's wife is shy at first but once she gets comfortable, can you say “life of the party?”; Weese has the most delightful dry sense of humor and I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to her until the end of the party; D., Weese’s wife, seems like kindness itself and I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to chat more; Wen is exuberant and a definite extrovert; Suburban Lesbian is also very outgoing and engaging (aside: these 2 lovely ladies also went to the trouble of bringing everyone a little present from their native state, with commemorative cards…very very thoughtful!); S, sister of SL was so interesting—an ex-Buddhist nun and very gifted artist; Emerald Pillows was warm and we unfortunately didn’t get a chance to really chat—next time E!; Maxine didn’t get a chance to chat with you either but I’m glad you were there; Bent Fabric is not only a vocabulary geek as evidenced by her posts but also a most irresistible small child; Kitty Litter has a wicked sense of humor and kept us all laughing; L, KL’s wife is a sweetheart and it was a joy to watch her with their little one (with whom I fell completely in love!); hmm, who did I miss…oh yes, Amanda, Trop’s and C’s daughter, she was a total trouper hanging in there when she was sick all weekend, and the total antithesis of the bratty teenager—a complete delight! All in all a great group of ladies! It was a blast!

The Sandwich Weekend

2007-02-20T12:43:00.000-05:00

What a fun weekend this was! I did my last seminary prospective student day in between visiting some very wonderful friends.

Friday morning I was almost on the road at 7 a.m. but for the little matter of my car being solidly ensconced in ice! After trying kitty litter and cardboard boxes to try and give my wheels some traction, I finally succumbed to the helpless-female-in-distress posture and had a neighbor dig me out! Sweet kind man!

Had a fairly easy drive on my way down to the DC area and stopped off to visit one of my favorite people on the planet--Miss Bent Fabric. Lucky for me, Her Highness was receiving visitors that day and I had the pleasure of joining her for lunch and a bit of telly before resuming my journey. Thanks for a fun visit cutie!

I then zoomed down to Alexandria and 5 miles from my destination got caught in the worst traffic I've ever seen! I thought I'd seen it all in NYC, but I was wrong wrong wrong! Needless to say, I was late but I still made it in time for dinner. The rest of the weekend was spent learning about Virginia Theological Seminary, the 2nd oldest Episcopal seminary in the States. I think I'll wait for a separate post to reflect on the visit. There's so much information to absorb when you visit a school that it takes some time to sort yourself out. I'll just say that I really enjoyed my time there, can confirm that the school has much to offer, and that I met some truly wonderful people!

On Sunday, a group of us went and worshipped at the National Cathedral in DC. I hadn't been there since a grade 8 history trip when I was a wee lass in a kilt. It really is a beautiful place and I really enjoyed the service.

Now for the top layer of my friend-seminary-friend sandwich: a blogging buddy met me at the Cathedral and joined me for the service. I've mentioned Janet before--she's the angel that helped me with my autobiography for the school applications. Funny because the essay I wrote for one of the schools was an essay on the relationships that can happen due to blogging, and Janet was a perfect example. This was our first meeting but I felt like I'd known her for years. She drove me around and gave me a mini tour of DC, and let me just say that this lady really knows her stuff! I so enjoyed seeing the city and hope to go back when the cherry trees are in bloom.

But the treat did not end there. After my tour, we drove down to Shirlington to a little bakery there to meet up with another blogging buddy--Mr. Gunfighter himself! Again, there was this remarkable ease and a feeling of being reunited with an old friend. And I must let you all in on a secret--Mr. Gunman is adorable!!! Now this does not detract from from his tough-guy-gun-carrying persona in any way, but it is the most delightful combination of opposites imaginable! I had such a great time getting to know these two wonderful people! I think I smiled all the way back to NYC--and 4 1/2 hours is a pretty long time to be smiling!

Monday, as some might imagine, was a day of wondering what hit me. I had a premonition that I might be feeling like road kill, and so had tentatively planned on staying in my jammies, in bed, with my book and pastries at the ready. And that's pretty much how I spent yesterday, except I was too tired to read and so watched movies and episodes of House and Grey's Anatomy I hadn't seen, courtesy of Ms. BF~smooches!

It was a good week

2007-02-12T10:17:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a while (thanks to Shirlie for pointing that out to me! Smooches!)

Let's see, here are all the things I meant to write about:

Feb 3rd--Happy Birthday to my wonderful sister! How blessed am I to have a close sister and best friend!

Feb 5th--Got my first "big-girl bed." I am officially, at least in my mind, now an adult! Hard to believe but this 44 year old has slept on a twin her whole life, so this switch to queen size is actually huge for me! (I was actually so excited about it that I took a picture and was going to do a whole post on it, and then I thought about the cracks that would inevitably come my way! Oh, and Syd darling, you are sooo banned from any comments on this one--remember my mother reads my blog!) ;)

Feb 6th--This marked my 19th Anniversary of being in NYC! Seems like a life time ago and yesterday at the same time! I think about all the things I've been through since moving here and my head spins (not in that rotating, vomiting, exorcist kind of way, but still...)

Then most of last week was spent doing my taxes and filling out forms and questionnaires in preparation for applying for financial aid for school. Can we say "fun?"

And so, what is on the agenda for this week so far? Well Wednesday is my admissions audition, uh I mean interview to the NYC seminary. The fact that it is also Valentine's Day kind of cracks me up! Not exactly my first choice about how to celebrate that day!

Then on Friday I'm driving down to Alexandria to visit the last seminary on the list. Although this school is not my first choice, it still has a lot to offer so I'm going to go check it out. Truthfully though, the thing I'm most excited about is seeing some friends while I'm down there!

Oh and lastly, did anyone see last week's Oprah about "The Secret?" I found it profoundly encouraging and very inspiring. There were many things about it that struck me but I think the things that really struck me were the practice of gratefulness and the principle of abundance. I am so acutely aware right now of all that I have to be grateful for, which is everything! Life is good and a gift and I am grateful!

Breathing again

2007-01-30T09:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry to make you look at my picture so long (and no, that is not my body in the above shot!).

I pretty much spent the entire month getting together my applications for ivy-league-school-in-CT, and oldest-Episcopal-seminary here in NYC, so if I seemed a tad more distracted than usual, that is why!

There was the usual gathering of transcripts and letters of recommendation, but the really consuming part was writing the all important autobiography, and in the case of CT-school, a writing sample. I had a great deal of help in terms of fine tuning what I wanted to say and how I actually said it. I want to publically thank two people that slogged through the process with me, lending me their experience, intelligence, and kind generosity. My deepest gratitude to Bent Fabric, and DC Rush Hour!! You ladies rock!!!

It's been an interesting process trying to decide where I will go to school. I keep going back and forth. I suspect February may get dubbed the "ping pong month." But as someone said to me the other day, it's a win-win situation, and I heartily agree! More later...

Pics from England

2007-01-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

I'm a little slow in posting these--my trip to England was last Thanksgiving. These pics are all from the day I spent touring Warwick Castle. It's an amazing place with history spanning a thousand years. A must see if you're ever across the pond!

Forgive the plethora of peacocks! ;)

My M&M Alter Ego

2007-01-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

Stole this from my buddy JMK. (I obviously have too much time on my hands! Actually, I'm just brain dead from essay writing and needed a break! This totally cracked me up!)

Lemme know if you have an M&M alter ego too!

What color blue are you?

2007-01-18T22:33:00.002-05:00

ok got sidetracked over at Sassy's, went to look up what happened in the year I was born, and ended up with this (apparently I'm periwinkle)...can we say attention deficit?!

You Are Periwinkle

You're very intuitive and sensitive. You often know other people better than they know themselves.
You're also quite optimistic, and you think well of yourself and others. You know your dreams will come true.

What Color Blue Are You?

2007-01-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

Since returning from Canada right before New Years, I have been collecting transcripts filling out applications, getting referrals, and writing my autobiography. Funny this process of preparation for seminary is pushing all sorts of buttons for me.

I've had literal dreams of going back to school for years. I wasn't ready when I was fresh out of high school and began my music degree. There were so many things I didn't learn or take advantage of because I wasn't ready. I've dreamed of getting a kind of “do over” and to be able to really throw myself into something I'm passionate about. And now the dream is coming true but inside I'm that high school kid again (in a 44 year old body). I'm scared and ashamed of being so.

It's not just that I want to be successful as an MDiv student. That's only part of it. It's that this MDiv is a step toward another dream--living out the rest of my life in service to God and others. As things continue to go forward step by step, I'm waking up from the dream and this voice inside me sneers, "What kind of delusion is this that makes you think you're good enough for that?"

This is an old and familiar voice. I've been bullied by it most of my life. I was reminded on Friday when I went to see "Freedom Writers" (which I highly recommend) that many people have voices that tell them they are inadequate, not good enough. But they are wrong. About all of us. That is why I love this quote by Marianne Williamson so much:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Ok, so time for me to get back to it—hadn’t actually meant to post at all, but there you go! (Wanders off, coffee in hand, repeating, “All shall be well; all shall be well; all manner of thing shall be well.”)

I'm sayin' it first...

2007-01-11T09:51:00.000-05:00

...it’s another banner day for Canadian / American relations. (see article here)

(Don’t even start with me!)

(I mean it!)

And may I just add that if you're going to report on Canadian spy coinage you might want to go find a picture of a Canadian coin!

Another moment in the love affair...

2007-01-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

I have had a love/hate relationship with this city for almost 19 years and I am ready to stop with the schizophrenia! Last night, as I sat in Avery Fischer Hall listening to one of the world's greatest violinists and conductors, I marveled at all the privileges that have been mine simply because I live in this great city!

I have adored Zubin Mehta for over 20 years and to watch him in collaboration with Pinchas Zukerman as they performed Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D Major was nothing short of thrilling. Mr. Zuckerman took my breath away with his virtuosity. And then watching Mr. Mehta conduct the NY Philharmonic doing Stravinsky's Rite of Spring was like having a dream come true. And did I mention that I was given the ticket?

I have seen some of the world's best singers, musicians, and shows while living here and every time I can't help but be awed by the privilege.

Welcome to the Nuthouse

2007-01-04T08:49:00.000-05:00

As I continue to ponder the points I will make in my autobiography I am struck by the incredible inconsistencies in my own psyche.

Case in point, on the way to work this morning during my 7 minute walk from the subway (yes, I timed it, now hush up!) I experienced 2 extremes in my personality. I had a lovely chat with my favourite homeless person and gave him some money (and I really do like this man—I’m not one that feels that I must like all homeless people, or all rich people, or all any kind of people but that’s a rant for another day). Then moments later I found myself cussing out in my heart, and under my breath, the traffic cop who got bored and decided to wave on traffic while I was crossing ON THE WALK signal.

Do you think the seminaries should be warned about my penchant for going from Mother Theresa to The Terminator?

It's Wednesday, so she must have posted...

2007-01-03T08:57:00.000-05:00

Just noticed that many of my posts are on Wed. Wonder if there's some internal blog clock going, "ding ding ding, wake up and post something!"

Anyhoo, Happy New Year Everyone! (Hey it's only the 3rd, so chill!) In fact, I could still be wishing you all a Merry Christmas as the season of Christmas does not actually end until Epiphany, which is Jan. 6th. (more trivia no one asked for--all part of my charm!)

Not much to say. Got back from Canada on the weekend and then did nothing. This was disappointing in many ways. I'd meant to get the writing sample done for my application to "illustrious CT school" as well as the autobiographies that both seminaries require. But did I write? Nope! Did zilch, nada, nothing. Did learn something interesting about my psyche though. I tend to avoid things at which I'm not sure I will succeed. There's a secret tiny voice that wants to be brilliant, and of course recognized as such, but doesn't want to test it out because it,
a) might not be brilliance at all,
b) might need to be fine tuned into something resembling brilliance (and I am NOT a patient person)
c) might be dismissed or misunderstood.

Well time to get over this interesting little anomaly!!! I did however, get my references organized and chased down the transcripts yesterday, so I haven't been a complete slug! This is going to be one interesting year...

Some Christmas Pics

2006-12-27T09:54:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd share some of Mom's handiwork, the lady who starts decorating in November!

My brother-in-law took the pictures with his new camera. Lucky him you say? No, lucky me!!!! Guess who got his old camera? Say it with me, Merry Christmas Zanne!! (prepare yourselves for posts about the technotard trying to learn how to use her first digital camera!)

It's snowing right now and all the trees look like they're frosted with icing sugar. So glad I don't have to do anything but stay put and enjoy it. Definitely a Kodak moment. I'm off to decipher the instruction manual! Wish me luck!

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas

2006-12-23T08:44:00.000-05:00

I arrived in Canada yesterday for my Christmas visit with my family. I love being home especially at this time of year. My mother lives in a beautiful log home that she starts decorating in November. It will be another gray day today and certainly no snow for Christmas but it's good to be home with the people I've known my whole life and love with my whole heart.

Funny, this Christmas has gone much more smoothly in terms of cards written, presents I remembered to buy (!), people I wanted to spend time with--the schedule in general. I am acutely aware of the myriad ways that I am blessed and don't really know how to say thank you adequately.

To my wonderful blogger buddies, I wish you peace and joy this season. Where there has been no or little meaning, I wish you lightness and depth of love. Where things have been tough and painful, I wish you unshakeable and unrestrained hope. If this year has been a season of blessing for you I pray that you may be transformed by grateful hearts and a desire to share that with others. And please know what a blessing you have been to me: befriending me, making me laugh, keeping me company, lending me your compassion and understanding and support, teaching me and challenging me to grow. Hugs!

And now, a little seasonal levity...

2006-12-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

This seemed so appropriate for the time of year when many people feel like they're losing their minds. I particularly guffawed at #9!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Beloved Beta Bloggers,

2006-12-15T11:41:00.000-05:00

I cannot seem to leave comments on any of your blogs!

This is not helping my Christmas spirit in the least I tell you, but in keeping with the season, I will forgive Bloody Blogger and wait for them to resolve this outrage (and perhaps look into some anger management courses!)

Anyhoo, should anyone be feeling neglected, I heartily apologize and hope to be back in conversation as soon as BB gets its act together!

Love, peace, and groovy, out!

Thoughts of Santa before sleeping...

2006-12-07T21:41:00.000-05:00

I’ve just gotten out of bed, where I was safely tucked in with my book for the night, when I came upon this sentence in the book I’m reading: “…church can help people gain a feel for how God shows up (in the world)…” (It’s a wonderful book by the way, by a female priest named Barbara Brown Taylor and it’s called “Leaving Church.”)

What compelled me to leave the comfort of my cozy bed was this idea of something in life pointing to the essence of Real Life. This is the second time this week that I’ve been struck by the principle. The first time was on Wednesday, which happens to be the feast of St. Nicolas. (Yes, the St. Nick also known as Santa Claus.) There really isn’t much known about him but we do get the idea of anonymous gift giving from an example in his life.

What struck me then was this idea that perhaps the anticipation many of us experienced as children as we counted down the days and lay awake on Christmas Eve night was really meant to be a spiritual precursor to the way we should anticipate the Gift in the manger. So often Santa Claus is symbolic of all that has become commercial and crass about Christmas. There are voices in the church who would say that Santa is the secular replacement for Jesus, and therefore antithetical to the “reason for the season.” Just this last week I was amused at a friend’s clever comment about Santa being an anagram for Satan.

But as I continue to intentionally keep myself in the season of Advent (Christmas comes later people), I think perhaps that the St. Nick we experienced in our innocence might help to remind us of how it feels to be excited in anticipation of blessing and joy now as adults.

This has been in the forefront of my mind because of the number of people I know and love who are really struggling this time of year. One friend said to me night before last that she hates this season because it just reminds her of the family she doesn’t have and the things that have not happened in her life. Emptiness and loneliness seem to be the underlying theme for many, which is especially cruel when everything around you is shouting, “Be happy and perky, it’s such a wonderful time of the year!” I know people who might lunge for the throat of anyone that had the audacity (and foolishness) to actually utter such trite nonsense to their faces.

It is with chagrin that I admit that I’m actually one of the people that genuinely feels happy and perky during this season. It was not always so. Perhaps it is because I spent so many years in the dark that when this season of preparation to welcome and receive the Light comes, I cannot help but feel gentle hope and comforting joy. I’ve been praying for those who are hurting and lonely. I pray that just as being in church can be a “starting place for discerning God’s presence in this world,” that being able to remember the simple and innocent anticipation as a child on Christmas Eve may help us welcome and embrace the true Gift of this season.

Let me close with the prayer from this morning:

Let your radiant beauty shine forth in our hearts, almighty God. Then the darkness of our night shall pass, and your Son's coming will show us to be the children of Light.

Amen

Letter to a Friend

2006-12-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

Got an email from a dear friend this morning, venting about his frustration with regard to the potential splits going on in The Episcopal Church right now over homosexuality. I hadn't meant to give him such a lengthy response (sorry dear friend!), but as I wrote him back, I realized that the things I was saying I wanted to say outloud in a larger context, so here's my slightly edited version...just because I needed to say it.

My friend, I am sooo with you! You are quite right about Jesus and the Bible not emphasizing the issue the way the church is doing right now. In fact, when you put the "clobber passages" together (that's what many of us call them) into context socially, historically, as well scripturally, one finds that they don't even address the subject as we know it today. (If you'd be interested in reading a bit more, I highly recommend Walter Wink's "Homosexuality and the Bible.")

I find the whole political climate frustrating because it is clear as day to me (and I do emphasize the "to me" part) that the backlash is one of cultural bias and fear with some very evil influences from those who see this as a power play. What we are seeing now is in many ways no different than the cultural and moral battles over racial and gender equality, and I think we'd both agree that neither of those issues is completely resolved either. But I think the thing we might need to focus on is that there has been progress, and I believe that there will continue to be.

I believe this not only because as a person of faith I feel called to invest myself in kingdom values (far superior to the "family values" being touted right now!) and because I know that this issue is not going away any more than the others did. I have to believe that the hate rhetoric will be revealed for what it is and that people will come to see that what they thought they knew is indeed erroneous. I am also acutely aware that there will be casualities. I'm willing to be one of them.

Hope I'm not sounding glib, because I assure you that I am not. I live with this heartbreak on a daily basis and have for a long time now. But as this is the kind of thing that can seriously bring me down I have to find a response that can bring hope and give life. This battle will not be won by who has the biggest megaphone but by who loves the most. Hate is not a family value and eventually I believe that the slurs, rhetoric, and misunderstandings will come into the Light.

Thank you for your outrage. It is profoundly encouraging to hear that others see how wrong the situation in the church is right now especially when they don't have to. But then on the other hand, even if homosexuality is not your issue, the lack of unity and love in our church is indeed every person's issue or, in my opinion, should be.

Happy Birthday to Gunfighter!

2006-12-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

Today is my buddy's birthday so go on over and give him some love!

Hope you have a wonderful day today my friend! You are a blessing to me and I pray that you will have more blessings than you can count today and always!

GRE -- NOT!!!!!

2006-12-04T10:03:00.000-05:00

I have just found out the most amazing

life-changing

incredible

news!

I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THE GRE TO APPLY TO MY SEMINARY OF CHOICE!

There is NO way you can even imagine the shrieks of joy emanating from my mouth at this news. I have done the happy dance, run up and down the hallway at work, and generally startled every co-worker I have, but I do not care! Not one whit, I tell you! Because I can now concentrate on just applying, which feels so doable compared to the stress I've been feeling about this dastardly exam. I am breathing again and the hugest weight has just been lifted.

Advent: A Beginning

2006-12-03T12:01:00.000-05:00

This is the first Sunday of Advent and the beginning of the Church year. It's my favourite time of year because it is a time of waiting with hope and expectation. But unlike other kinds of expectations, whether realistic or not, this one comes with a promise and a surety. Christmas does and will come.

Now the expectations in and around "Christmas the season" can pump us up, make us frenzied, and ultimately leave us exhausted, disappointed and even disillusioned. I know many people that sink into a profound depression during this time as they are faced with the myth of what Christmas is purported to be.

But this is precisely why I so long for Advent. It is a time to be still; to listen to the usually silenced inner voice that will tell us what is of true value and who we are in our deepest selves. It is a time when our darkness is driven away by the Light, not because we strive to rid ourselves of it but because it comes in the form of a gift. A gift wrapped in flesh. A gift that says, "you are not alone; I am with you; I am one of you; and, I love you beyond all imagining." This is the gift that never fails to come. This is the gift I long to receive. This is the gift that never disappoints.

Let me share the prayer I read this morning for the first Sunday in Advent:

Merciful and faithful God, you sent your only-begotten Son,

the teacher of truth and the font of reconciliation,

to gather the warring nations of the earth into the peace of your

everlasting reign.

Stir up within us the spirit of joyful expectation,

that, leaving behind the night,

we may run to greet your day as it draws near,

and gladly welcome your Christ wherever he reveals himself.

This fresh beginning I long for Light, pray for peace, and hope in Goodness.

Remembering World AIDS Day

2006-12-01T09:55:00.000-05:00

I hate this disease.
Here's a good link or two for more information.

I'm back!

2006-11-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I am back from beautiful Britain (yes, still addicted to alliteration!) and I am buzzed! Seriously, I had a wonderful time and may even share some pics when I get them back. Mostly I was in Stratford-upon-Avon, so named because the town straddles both sides of the Avon River. The town where my friend lives is called Welford-on-Avon because it is located on only one side of the river. Betcha didn't know that didja? Oh friends, I am full of such trivial information but will not bore you with it! ;)

The best thing about the trip though was the time spent with friends - and one in particular. This next bit should be subtitled "Ode to Meryl." I have known her since I was 12 years old when she was briefly in Canada teaching music to kilted brats such as me. Not only did I go on to major in music but I also found myself inextricably drawn to God, and look where that's gotten me!

It's astounding to think that this friend has known me since I was 12 yrs old and we have weathered 32 yrs of life to become true friends. I'm sure we can all remember people who have had profound and lasting impacts on our lives and I am so grateful to still have one that continues to be a part of my life. The thing about Meryl is that she makes me want to be my best self, while I simultaneously feel like I am being my best self just by desiring to be. Can't explain it any better than that I'm afraid. The reason I mention it is that I'm quite sure she has absolutely no idea of the effect and influence she has had and continues to have on me. And how does she wield such power? By doing 2 things: loving me enough to let me be completely me, and by always considering me.

These are 2 such simple gifts but they change everything. Hope that as Christmas approaches, we all find ourselves blessed with these gifts and are re-inspired to give them to others. OK, that's it from Pollyanna--just couldn't help myself! :D

Life, the roller coaster--what a ride!

2006-11-15T10:16:00.000-05:00

It’s been an intense couple of weeks. I have visited 2 more seminaries and endured a week long sickness that left me flat on my back for 5 days and required antibiotics. Must develop a better way of handling stress!

I haven’t wanted to write because my heart’s been on a roller coaster. I loved the first seminary which is actually a divinity school up in CT. This surprised me as I’d decided ahead of time I wouldn’t like it—too this and too that. Of course I was completely wrong and had to own up to the fact that my attitude was born out of fear: “I’m not smart enough; I won’t fit in; blah blah blah…” I am such a silly child at times!!

The second seminary is here in NYC and I loved that just as much. My fears about the future are gradually diminishing as I begin to visualize the possibilities.

I was disappointed with myself this last week when I became sick. I couldn’t study or hold any coherent thought for that matter, which was a problem since I was scheduled to do the GRE this Thursday. Didn’t take me long to realize that that wasn’t going to happen but I didn’t reschedule when I should have and had to eat the fee. The self-loathing and recrimination were palpable.

Then yesterday, my boss exemplified the grace that I was so sorely lacking and in need of. Being sick ate up the last of my vacation days so that I couldn’t go home for the week of Christmas. I went and asked him if he’d consider giving me the time off without pay—I really want be home! He told me that that wasn’t necessary. He’s going to comp me the 3 days because he knows I’ll do anything that’s asked of me. Now, personally I can tell you that he’s giving me way too much credit but God bless the man!

And finally, I am on a plane this Friday night to jolly ol’ England for a visit with a very dear friend. She was my music teacher in grade 7 and she hung the moon if you get my drift. We’ve been friends now for 32 years and I’m thrilled to be spending some time with her. She lost her husband to cancer in March which was heartbreaking. They’re both young vibrant people and true soul mates. Life is so unfair at times…

Anyhoo, apologies for the length of this post. Blessings to all who stop by!

And you thought you knew "cold"

2006-10-25T10:36:00.000-04:00

In honour of finally giving in and wearing my winter coat for the first time, I thought I'd try to put it into perspective by reminding myself what "cold" really looks like! This is a picture of Niagara Falls completely frozen in 1911. Can you imagine how cold it had to be?! Makes me shiver just looking at it!

So, I should be studying but...

2006-10-18T20:09:00.000-04:00

I'm notorious for getting distracted. I stole this from afuntanilla. Lemme know if you play!
Ciao! :)

1. Dated outside your race? Yep
2. Singing in the shower? Yep, and everywhere else :P
3. Spit in someone’s drink? Not yet, but don't make me mad
4. Played with Barbies? Does ripping their heads off count?
5. Made someone cry? Shamefully, yes
6. Opened your Christmas presents early? Every year!
7. Lied to a friend? Yes, unfortunately
8. Watched and cried while watching a soap opera? Cried-no. LMAO-yes!
9. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? Close but not quite
10. Ran through the sprinklers naked? But of course, doesn't everybody?!
11. Ate food that fell on the floor? 5 second rule baby!
12. Went outside naked? Yes (I tend to like naked!)
13. Been on stage? Oh yes...
14. Been on stage naked or close to it? Actually...not sure...does the black slip with no bra count? (while doing a love scene--I sure felt naked!)
15. Been in a parade? Life's a parade, so yep
16. Been in a school play? Endlessly
17. Drank beer? Where there's pizza there's beer
18. Gotten detention? Duh
19. Been on a cruise? Several
20. Broken into a house? Other than my own? Don't think...oops yep--in my youth
21. Gotten a tattoo? No yet
22. Gotten piercings? Just in the usual places
23. Gotten into a fist fight? Grade 8-yep
24. Gotten into a shouting match? Welcome to my teenage years
25. Swallowed sea/pool water? Yep
26. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? Yep (I'm a curious child!)
27. Laughed so hard it hurt? Oh yes--anyone ever seen Dame Edna live?!!
28. Tripped on your own feet? Frequently
29. Cried yourself to sleep? Yep
30. Cried in public? Yep
31. Thrown up in public? If a restaurant bathroom counts, then yep
32. Lied to your parents? Who hasn't (just kiddin' Mom!)
33. Skipped class? Oh yes
34. Cried so hard you threw up? Nope
35. Had a one night stand? Nope
36. Left restaurant without paying tab? Nope
37. Been Fired from a job? Yep
38. Wanted to make out with your massage therapist, therapist OR hairldresser? Nope
39. Had a drink "sent" to a stranger at a bar? Nope - but been on the other end ;)
40. Been winked at and loved it? Yep

Calgon Take Me Away!

2006-10-18T11:13:00.000-04:00

Don't really have anything to say -- mostly because there's too much to say. My internal landscape has been subject to some violent winds lately as I try to navigate forward. But for all my planning, worrying, and angst it still comes down to taking one step at a time, doesn't it?

I liked this picture because it's somewhere I'd like to be right now. Or maybe somewhere I'd like to just carry around inside me. Don't get me wrong, life is good, it's just feeling very intense at the moment.

I promise to be more coherent and consistant as soon as my heart calms down.
Hugs!

Epiphany #1

2006-10-11T14:54:00.000-04:00

Just got back from Chicago. Went to visit the first of 4 seminaries that I’ve been charged with considering for the fall. I had a really wonderful time talking to the faculty and students. I sat in on one class that set my heart and mind aflame; ate dinner in the refectory, slept in the dorm, and attended 3 services in the chapel. Also had a mini-epiphany about this becoming a priest business (the first of many, I’m sure!!!)

And here it is:
To go away to school means having to actually leave!

I know - duh! It just hadn’t hit me before. I left my family and home to come to NYC 18 ½ years ago. I have connections here that I treasure and depend upon to keep me grounded and now I’m looking at walking away from that and starting all over again. And not only that but this life I’m in training for, is actually characterized by such beginnings.

To say that I’m experiencing a whole range of rather intense emotions right now would be an understatement. And to think the journey’s just begun…

(wanders off humming "The Long and Winding Road")

The Subway—My Spiritual Barometer

2006-10-04T09:09:00.000-04:00

I love a lot of things about this city. One of them is NOT the public transit system. Don’t get me wrong, I like being able to get from point A to point B without driving but the fact that I have to share it with a million other people really does not work for me.

Take yesterday for example. I nearly cussed (out loud) the man in front of me at the turnstile because he wasn’t swiping his fare card fast enough. He was interrupting my flow! Now if that hadn’t happened I might not have been aware that my knickers were in a knot, so to speak. And let’s face it, did my knickers really need to be in a knot? I don’t think so.

So, this morning in recognition of my guaranteed irritation and impatience with those who bump me, jostle me, invade my space, and generally do not behave in ways I want them to while on the bus or subway, I spent some extra time in quietness and prayer. And I’m happy to report that it worked—no homicides were committed on my morning commute (at least not by me!).

Who knew that public transportation would be the catalyst for concentrated refocusing of my spiritual disciplines?!

Feeling Blessed

2006-10-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

Been very preoccupied lately but didn't want to be completely out of touch.

The above picture is a gift that was made for me by my blogger friend GF. I am often completely overwhelmed by the kindess of my online friends--this is definitely one of those times! They are Anglican prayer beads (a little different from Catholic Rosary beads) and the picture completely fails to capture how beautiful they are! Typically the prayers I say when using these, are words written by Julian of Norwich, "All shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of thing shall be well."

And indeed, all manner of thing is well for me. I do the first of my prospective student visits this next weekend to seminaries and my journey is progressing. I had a great weekend touring the city and enjoying the company of a dear friend of the heart. Last night watched one of my favourite movies "Strictly Ballroom." I'll leave you with this line from the movie:

A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.

Wishing us all fully lived lives!

Onward O my soul

2006-09-23T16:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I was at the Cathedral for a service of ordination to the priesthood. I was asked to help usher, as were all the postulants in our diocese.

What a spectacular way to inspire those of us that are on our way to someday walking down that aisle. What a way to strike awe into our very souls with the weight of what we are preparing to take on. What a way to celebrate all that is good about our faith in the midst of such turmoil in our church, nation and families.

It was especially poignant to me because the last ordination I was at, I was accompanied by a good friend and fellow aspirant to the priesthood. We sat together in hope and expectation that we would both be there together some day. Here it is 6 months later and I am going on without her because only one of us was approved. Truthfully, it had occurred to me that that might happen, I just didn’t think it would be her that was turned down.

It was strange to see the priests that were part of my discernment process over the last 3 years. Now suddenly I’ve crossed over on my way to being their peer. One beautiful priest in particular made my face split in joy from ear to ear as she processed by me with her thumbs up and mouthing, “Soon it will be your turn.”

It was also a moment for deep sadness. One of those who were ordained is the wife of my ex-rector. (see here) I saw old friends from my old church, some who know I’m gay and some who don’t. I also had the opportunity to greet my ex-rector and his wife. I think part of me thought I’d be able to avoid that, but when I found myself face to face with them, all that was left for me to do was hug them and wish them well.

Someday we will stop all this ridiculous rhetoric about “life-style” and separation. There will come a day when ALL God’s children will sit at the same table, equal, accepted, and belonging because in God’s kingdom, where all is already as it’s meant to be, we already do. At some point we will grow up and realize that our call is to love God first, and love our neighbors as ourselves. So let us feed the hungry, heal the sick, fight the injustice and oppression of those who are weak and powerless in this world. That is the battle I am signing up for and am willing to give my life to and for. And I do it because my Lord did it first. All else is crap. My God is love, no matter how inadequately S/He is sometimes portrayed by those who claim the name of Christian.

To borrow a phrase from my friend’s wise and Godly grandfather, I purpose to journey onward measuring everything by this yardstick, “Is there love in this? If not, I’m done.”
Amen.

FORMATION

2006-09-20T12:02:00.000-04:00

1 : an act of giving form or shape to something or of taking form : DEVELOPMENT
2 : something that is formed formations>
3 : the manner in which a thing is formed : STRUCTURE formation of the heart>

This is my year of formation, per my bishop. When I go to seminary then my formation will be about becoming a priest. But this period of formation is about being a lesbian. My bishop, a wise and gentle man, wants me to have this year to more fully settle into my own skin because I only came out 2 ½ years ago.

Certainly, there are aspects of this that are fun—catching up on lingo, culture, and forming new relationships with people that are like me, etc., but then there are the other times. Like this morning.

This morning I was awash in grief; grief that it took so long, that I didn’t face it as a child, as a teenager, as a 20 or 30 something. Yes, I was surrounded by people that said homosexuality was not only a sin, but an abomination, a reason to be consigned to hell. The only teaching I was given was that it wasn’t God’s intention and isn’t natural. So I tried to be what was expected. I did counseling. I had people pray away evil spirits. I lived a “straight” life.

But that wasn’t natural for me. I finally realized that who I am is not a sin, nor is how I love. I am not an abomination and I am not going to hell. It is not God’s intention that I live a lie or a fractured existence.

What is hard is that it’s taken me so long to get to this place. I feel like I was such a coward. Part of me always knew. Others managed to find a way to being true to themselves. Why couldn’t I? Have I wasted the last 20 years? Am I destined to be permanently assigned to the children’s table at Life’s banquet? Feels like it a lot of the time.

I’m usually pretty private about matters of the heart but today all I can seem to do is cry. Please don’t pity me, that’s not why I’m sharing this. I think I just needed to say how I’m feeling and to be heard.

Happy One Year of Blogging to Syd!

2006-09-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

Here's to the woman who takes life and turns it into a sit com for the rest of us!
You are the reigning queen of hilarity!!
All Hail to Syd!

*I posted this the night before the actual anniversary because I always was the kind of kid that couldn't wait til Xmas to open presents and Syd's a definite gift!

Blubbering and Bishops--Welcome to my world!

2006-09-16T10:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday started off with me having a meltdown prompted by the unexpected maneuvers of my newly updated Internet browser. I clicked on a folder expecting it to expand and instead it opened everything in the folder (45 items!!) into tabs. This is not what I wanted and so I spent the next 10 minutes, 10 minutes that I did not have, trying to make it do what it usually does. Needless to say, the programmers have the advantage over the technotard and my efforts were in vain. I then burst into tears and wailed, “This isn’t what I want!!!”

It was at this point that some sane part of my personality suggested that such an emotional outburst was probably not about my computer! (Ya think?!!!) So, I went back in my room, had a good cry and listed all the things in my life that “I do not want.” Surprisingly long list! *insert sheepish shrug*

You’d think that might have set the tone for the day but although it had a rocky start, it got much better. I was permitted to take an extended lunch in order to attend a joint Eucharist service between The Episcopal and Lutheran Churches. The Presiding Bishops were both there in order to celebrate the Millennium Development Goals, which have to do with eradicating poverty, hunger, disease, and injustice in our world. Not hugely attended but a moving service none-the-less. My big surprise came when I spotted in the back of the chapel, without a collar, our future Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori. OK, I’m a dweeb but I was so excited! I haven’t seen a lot of great photos of her and she’s so very attractive in person. She has a face alive with intelligence and humor. I didn’t have the guts to go up and say hello but I certainly left feeling inspired by the message of our Bishop and by being in the presence of people I admire and respect.

Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori

"Let the sunshine in..."

2006-09-14T09:36:00.000-04:00

It’s raining again and so I went looking for a picture with sunshine. Saw this and was drawn to it because it reminds me of dreams I used to have all the time as a child. The main theme of the dreams was the horizon and what was beyond. I never knew what the beyond part actually was, I just knew that it was good and I needed to get to it. Fog can have that same affect on me. I guess the idea that there’s more than we can see just resonates with me.

So today although I can’t see it with my eyes, I’ve decided to see the sun shining, because somewhere, it is.

So many jokes, so little time...

2006-09-12T19:32:00.000-04:00

tee hee! couldn't resist!

The Hair Saga continues

2006-09-12T10:46:00.000-04:00

Ok for those of you who requested pictures of the new do, here's me as a blond:

Now here's me mid-foil:

And here's me with dark (non-blond) hair:

And now I'm mad at all of you because I think I like the blond better! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

9/11

2006-09-11T14:26:00.000-04:00

Ok I know I wasn't going to do a 9/11 post but I just had the most moving experience and had to share. Because my boss is the coolest, I got to go get free tickets this morning to attend a sing along at Carnegie Hall at 12:30 p.m. The Juilliard School performed the Mozart Requiem in commemoration of the 5th anniversary of 9/11.

It was incredible to be in that beautiful cavernous hall, with a score of one of my favorite pieces of music in my hand, and invited to participate with first class musicians. I sang the Requiem twice about 20 years ago but haven't sung it since.

It came flooding back to me with a poignancy that made me weep. This was definitely one of those NY moments I will always remember.

Feast or Famine aka Blond No Longer

2006-09-11T09:30:00.000-04:00

Yes it’s 9/11. Yes I live in NYC. Yes I was here and have some very vivid memories and visceral reactions to it, but I’m not doing a post about it. I am taking a trip down De Nial—old joke, so don’t worry about it if you don’t get it!

So what do I want to talk about? My hair! I am no longer blond. I had what they call low lights put in (as opposed to high lights—now isn’t that clever?!). Anyhoo, my hair is probably the darkest it’s ever been, which really isn’t saying much. And just in case my mother is having a heart attack, I know for a fact that within the next 2 weeks it will oxidize into something strongly resembling a shade of blond…sigh!

Now I like it (mostly because it’s new and different and I’m easily bored) but no one, I repeat no one else in my life has said anything about it! NOT a good sign people! So if you see someone walking around and people are politely averting their gaze, good chance it’s me!

OK that’s all for now, but I would like to point out that this is my 2^nd post in the last 12 hours and I’m not guaranteeing that I’m done for the day! Like I said, you never know what you’re gonna get around here; I’m a moody child!

The queen has spoken…

2006-09-10T21:09:00.000-04:00

And I’ve been commanded to post, so post I will (whether I actually have anything to say or not, or feel like it or not, or want to or not…I think you get the gist!) Actually, it’s flattering to be missed, so kiss kiss to the ~~queen~~ (oops! I mean) Princess (although you must admit one does miss the alliteration - you know who you are Your Royal Pinkness!) ;)

Anyhoo sports fans you’ve caught me at a fortuitous moment—somewhere between ovulating on a full moon (which was last week) and being on the cusp of the pms week (starting any minute now!). Ain’t it glorious to be a girl?!

Actually, that’s not far off from where I’ve been in my mind these last 10 days or so. Been reading books on feminine spirituality. Big surprise—I’m a woman and I’m spiritual! Ok, enough of that…but let me share something that I was pondering this morning. I wondered what my life would have been like if when I was a little girl there’d been someone who had seen the signs of who I was becoming; someone who could have explained to me that I was going to be a little bit different but that it would be alright; someone who would have affirmed my desire to be known and loved as a normal thing; someone who could have shown me how to live life full out without fear or regrets. I wonder about the myriad ways my life would have been different.

Now what I’m talking about is not the deficiency of good parenting—love ya mom!—but rather about the connection and community that most of us have missed with each other. Women have a different kind of power, a different kind of strength. It’s the strength to nurture and the power to heal. There’s this connection that happens, or can happen, because we are what we are—females of the species. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who got all the love, acceptance, affection, or affirmation that they needed or wanted and no one is to blame because how can we give what we haven’t received.

But you know what I’ve been noticing lately? When I risk saying how I feel and am honest about where I’m at, I find there are people nodding their heads and going, “yeah, me too.” Maybe that’s where the connection starts. Listening to and seeing each other. Maybe we become the wise women for each other that we needed and wanted ourselves. That connection isn’t lost, it’s just forgotten sometimes and what we haven’t been trained to do we can learn by remembering what we once needed and desired. I will become my own wise woman who nurtures and is nurtured by your wise woman, and together we’ll create a safe place where everyone can just be.

Another one of my dreams…

Happy Birthday Mad Hatter!

2006-09-06T09:15:00.000-04:00

Everybody sing with me:

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Maddie!
Happy birthday to you!

Here's wishing you a day filled with laughter and happy memories!
Hugs from across the ocean!

Warning: melancholy ahead

2006-09-02T21:41:00.000-04:00

It’s Labor Day weekend and so far I haven’t been out of my house or my jammies. “Ernesto” has been too busy blowing and raining for me to feel ambitious about much of anything. And I am depressed. Deeply depressed.

I have spent most of the day reading and remembering my first love. Strangely, the two are connected. One of the books I was reading is Lisa See’s novel Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. It is the story of two women in early nineteenth century China; a fascinating portrayal of the role of women in that time period and an insightful tale of the female psyche.

(Stay with me now, there is a point—or at least I see a relevance.) Society at that time was strictly patriarchal, as most societies have always been. Women had no value except as the vehicle through which the male heirs would come into the world. Women’s feet were bound as a sign of beauty and made them more marketable for a good marriage. A woman’s standing as a new wife was nothing until she had a boy baby; girl babies were just unwanted mouths to feed. They had no choices, no power, no voice. A woman’s lot was suffering. Period.

Then into this world came secret ways to survive it. A life-long contract could exist between two women who were called “old sames.” These were women that were somehow assessed to be compatible and who would love and support each other through all the hardness that life was. By communicating through a secret written language on a fan that would travel back and forth between their two homes, these women were more married to each other than to their husbands. Their bond was not physical; society had no allowance for such a thing. But their love and commitment was so very much like the way we lesbians partner with each other in the 21st century.

And now we get to my point: I could not help but think that it was so very ironic that in the myriad ways societies have evolved (pick any culture you like) that there are still things that we cling to that no longer have meaning. Women are no longer dependent on men—in some parts of the world—for survival. They can earn their own money, make their own choices, and now have a voice. Our power does not equal the male’s but it is more than it was. Most of us do not have to marry or have children or fit a certain pattern unless we want to. Some of us have had the courage to say, “that is not me” and “I love differently.”

Imagine if all of us, men and women, could be true to who and what we are. Imagine instead of dominating and controlling each other we tried to lift up those who are weaker and downtrodden. Imagine not fearing anything except that we might not become ourselves. Imagine a world where everyone was valued equally. Even the most homogeneous of groups experience diversity whether they realize it or not. When did we decide that our sameness is achieved through the destruction of diversity? Such foolishness.

I grieve for those who will never be who they were created to be; for those who live in fear; for those who do not dream of and will not fight for a better, evolving, more equal world; for those who think life is about conformity. I grieve for my lost love.

Stolen from Syd

2006-09-01T11:38:00.000-04:00

Talk about not seeing yourself the way others see you! Canadian girl goes ranch--I don't even like the dressing--and the two times I was ever on a horse were very memorable. The first time the horse behind mine kept nipping at my horse's butt so off she rode with me hangin' on for dear life. The 2nd time the horse was simply not in the mood to have a little person on board and so bucked me off, lost his balance and fell on me. Yup, that's me, cowgirl, through and through!

Go here if you want your own label.

Playing hooky!

2006-08-31T15:33:00.000-04:00

I just did something very sneaky…come closer…I went to the movies, tee hee!

There’s no one here at the office, I had nothing to do, AND I felt the need to take revenge ahead of time for the stress that’s coming down the pike next week when my job changes (more on that later!). so there!

And now for a moment of levity

2006-08-29T13:16:00.000-04:00

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Bumpy flight / bumpy life

2006-08-28T13:02:00.000-04:00

Had a great time in Canada this last weekend, even if I didn’t get to see Mars!

Funny thought on the plane last night. It was rainy and overcast which made for a 30-minute delay. By the time we were flying into the Big Apple airport it was dark and cloudy with zero visibility. Then the turbulence started. Drama queen that I am, I started to contemplate my mortality. A very humbling experience, especially if anyone other than God had heard my inner monologue! Of course I immediately related what I was experiencing to the journey of faith. It is scary when things are bumpy, you are completely powerless, you are being asked to trust in someone/Someone you can’t see, and your vision is completely obscured. It was this last part that was the most disconcerting for me. Somehow in my mind the bumpiness was going to be less frightening when I could look out the window and see the ground. There was something truly awful about looking out and seeing nothing.

So often I look out and can’t see and am tempted to despair. That’s why living alone on an island or being a hermit up on a mountain (did I mention I’m an introvert!) just will not work. To be human is to need and to give eyesight and perspective one to another. I can’t see over the hill but you’ve been there and can tell me about it. My mom gives me this gift when she tells me how things look from further on down the road. A priest who also happens to be a psychotherapist gave me perspective last week about the situation at my old church. Every time someone entrusts me with her/his story, I walk away strengthened and challenged. Maybe it can give me the courage to tell my own.

This post is already too long, but in the interest of not being cryptic I’ll tell a little bit of my story. When I began the process of discernment about becoming a priest I was at a very conservative church. I had not come out to myself let alone anybody else. When I finally did, I had to go to my priest and tell him. That in itself is a long story, but the end result is that he helped me transition to a new parish where I could be myself and continue pursuing my call. Here’s what continues to be hard: the man believes in my call, is committed to seeing a collar around my neck, has said that I deserve to be with a beautiful woman to share my life with, wants to know when I fall in love, and at the same time says to me that he believes homosexuality is incompatible with scripture. He believes this so much so that he has taken his parish out of The Episcopal Church, finding he has more in common with someone like a certain Nigerian bishop who was instrumental in passing legislature in his own country that criminalizes who and what I am.

To say that I feel hurt and betrayed would be an understatement.

Right now the challenge is to cry and be vulnerable instead of lashing out in anger. Anger is oh so much easier! On the upside though, I can say that I’ve been here before and it led to a place that was more right than I could have imagined.

Warning: mushiness ahead!

2006-08-23T09:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, it's been brought to my attention that the magic carpet ride needs to come in for a landing.

There’s been so much on my mind lately. The last few days it’s been about my stepmother who just had double knee replacement surgery. She called me on Sunday to give me all the information and also to let me know that I should expect papers in the mail which will authorize me as a signer on her checking account. Oh and she’d checked about power of attorney as well, but that only applied if she was dead, so let’s not go there, and p.s. she also updated her will but everything’s going to be fine. Add to all this subliminal stuff, which only I may be picking up, but she’s also all alone in Florida and in her eighties. I’ve been praying constantly for her for 2 days and something about it all just kind of breaks my heart. My impulse is to get on a plane even though she declined my offer to be there with her.

My impulse is always to be present. Somebody I love hurts, I want to be there holding their hand or giving a hug. You’re going through a hard time and I want to be there to look in your eyes and give a smile. I understand that presence doesn’t necessarily fix or change anything, and yet somehow it does because whatever it is, is not experienced alone.

Which by the way, brings me to something else I’ve been wanting to say for a while now: thank you! Who am I talking to? That would be you. You reading. I did not expect to feel embraced and affirmed the way that I do. I did not realize that I would come to know people whose friendships touch me on a daily basis. I did not expect my heart to get involved with perfect strangers, but it has. You all remind me on a daily basis that I’m not alone, and that is a very big deal. Here ends the mushy moment—sometimes I just can’t help myself! ‘K gotta go—feeling a little verklempt! ;)

A Whole New World...

2006-08-19T19:15:00.000-04:00

for you and meeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it is indeed my friends. But do you know why? Is it the magic carpet? Is it the nattering monkey? Or perhaps that Jasmine now prefers women--or more specifically, me? (that would be nice...sigh...) But NO! It is that I, Zanne, have now entered the 21st Century and have just installed DSL! Suddenly I'm soaring at a speed that leaves me breathless! I can fly I tell you! I love it! Just one word people!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

BTW

2006-08-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

I didn't receive any notifications of comments posted today. (Luckily I have so much time on my hands that I kept checking back in order to respond!) But it does alarm me a bit that I might have missed a comment. I would hate to be rude! Anyone else have this problem today?

Also noticed yesterday that when I would visit y'all via the usual links that the site didn't update to the newest version. Consequently, I missed a bunch of posts because I didn't realized people had posted. Maybe it's just my computer, but I thought I'd ask to see if anyone else was having a problem.

Thus ends this public service announcement! Cheers! :)

Coincidence? I don't think so!

2006-08-16T12:06:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have a confession to make that will confirm that when looking up the word “gullible” in the dictionary, you will find my picture there.

Someone sent an email around last week stating that Mars—The Red Planet—would be visible for a once in a lifetime viewing on August 27th. It was supposed to be the size of the moon and easily visible. So being the clever girl that I am, I thought, “Where better to witness this wondrous event but up in Canada at my mother’s beautiful house on a lake?”

Acting on my brilliant idea, I immediately booked a ticket for a long weekend north. (OK, I can hear the groans already—yes I finally was told that the email was a hoax—but the ticket was bought and I am going.)

Now here’s the cool part. Got a call last night from my mom that the mother of my godson is having a party thrown for her that weekend for her 60th birthday. Barbara is a very special friend who has known me since I was a very little girl and I am thrilled that it just so happens I will be home that weekend. See, I was meant to go! I just got mixed signals about why! Don’t you just love when things work out?

Dinner with an Angel

2006-08-15T09:17:00.000-04:00

Last night I had dinner with this lovely lady, her sister from England, and another friend Mindy. We went to a seafood restaurant on the Upper West Side, not too far from the convent.

I just have this need to say out loud, "I adore this woman!" She is well into her eighties and suffering all the accompanying indignities, but what affects her body never seems to touch her soul. She'll tell me that her eye sight is going or that she's got chronic neck pain, that she can't get around like she used to or read as voraciously as she's accustomed to, but it’s with a peace and acceptance that leaves me awed somehow.

I actually met with her last year so that I could ask her how she became such a person of grace. Life is hard for everyone and we all carry the marks, but I’m intrigued by the differences between those of us who become disillusioned and even possibly bitter and those who carry on with a peace, humility, and grace that is easily seen but hard to define. You know what she told me? “It’s living in community.”

Makes me think of the message I heard last Saturday about generosity. He wasn’t talking about money, but rather about living with a reckless kind of giving. Maybe the people to whom we listen and give attention, who we love, support, walk with, encourage, teach, assist, admire, are those that will make up our communities where grace happens and we are transformed by the pouring out of ourselves. I like the idea.

Thank you Sister Mary Christabel for marking my life with your love!

Comfort Incognito

2006-08-14T15:11:00.000-04:00

Last week was tough—full moon, pms, people who want to kill us.

Gotta admit, getting up and hearing first thing about the foiled attempt to blow up several planes simultaneously coming into New York City, did nothing for my mood. Actually, what it did was throw me into a full fledged tailspin.

Having seen the first plane hit the World Trade Center, and then living through the surreal aftermath has probably left me with some kind of low grade post traumatic stress syndrome. When the weather was so beautiful this last weekend, what was going through my head? “What a perfect morning, just like it was on 9/11.” Can we say, “Time to move on?” (Aside: the grammar geek in me thinks that quote looks wrong—shouldn’t it really be “…move on.”? Ok, ok letting it go!)

Anyhoo, I’m much calmer today, in large part to the comfort I found being in church over the weekend. I went to a 10 a.m. service on Sat., which few people attend but which I always love for its quiet intimacy. During the sermon there was a stillness that I can only explain as electric. The priest managed to speak words of wisdom and reassurance while exemplifying all that I could want to be as a priest. Sunday morning was more of the same.

Then this morning my company’s weekly devotional service reminded me that God is still in control and that I need to refocus the eyes of my heart onto things that bring light, hope and beauty into my soul. Now that I think about it, I suspect God’s been comforting me all week long. It just took me a while to clue in.

I've been tagged by Tropopause (again!)

2006-08-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

Grab the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).

“Chocolate Principles to Live By” (yep that really was the nearest book, at the office no less!)

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence (grab next nearest book if fewer than seven sentences found).

4. Post the text of the next three sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

6. Tag three people. Okay, I'll tag Sassy Femme, Perpetual Unbalanced, & Mad Hatter.

OK here they are:

“They simply know that their help will be more valued by, and therefore will be able to do more good for, people who appreciate and value their gifts.

Think about the ways you take care of and strengthen yourself. What makes you feel good?”

Interesting that when I went looking for an image of the book, this is the only one there was--apparently they changed the focus! Can't imagine why! ;)

ADDENDUM: I also tag Sapphire and DF!

Confessions of a Grammar Geek

2006-08-09T09:03:00.000-04:00

Spent yesterday in a proofreading class. Ninety percent of the class was grammar—and I LOVED it!!!! We took a quiz at the beginning of the class to see our areas of weakness and I only got 55%! Now this was somewhat of a shock to someone who considers herself bright and articulate. As it turns out, my intuitive grasp of prepositional phrases is less than adequate. I did score 99% however on a quiz of misused words—phew!

The 2 things that stand out from yesterday were a nifty tool that can be found in Microsoft Word that measures the grade level of your writing, and the lesson on “trimming the fat.” (Notice the period inside the quote—us Canadians and Brits have a slightly different rule—but I am now all sorted out, thank you very much!)

The trimming the fat section was on how to pare down the verbose bits—going to need lots of practice on that one! The readability bit—determining your writing grade level—can be found under Tools/Spelling & Grammar/Options then select the Readability box. Quite interesting for all you fellow geeks out there—I know you’re there!

Anyhoo, had a great time and am also grateful for the timing of the class, as it will help me to prepare for the GRE next month (shudder, shudder). More to come on that, I'm sure.

One Hundred Things About Me

2006-08-04T11:36:00.001-04:00

...do please try not to yawn!

I am 47.
My birthday is Bastille Day.
I was born in Miami.
I grew up in Toronto.
I grew up in a household of women.
My grandmother (Nanny) lived with us and was a wonderful cook.
I still miss her.
My parents divorced when I was 5.
I have one sister and she’s one of my favourite people on the planet.
My mother just turned 83 and she got married last year to a wonderful man.
My father died of cancer in ’95.
I am a Cancer.
I love swimming and my favourite spot on earth is our cottage.
I went to an all girls school.
I have a Bachelor of Music in Performance for Voice.
I sang the soprano solo in the Brahm’s Requiem with orchestra when I was 19.
I have done the soprano solos in the Faure and Mozart Requiems as well.
I came to NYC to do musical theatre.
It didn’t pan out.
I have done Gilbert & Sullivan roles and various musical theatre roles in community theatre type environments though.
The best work I ever did on stage was as Princess Puffer in “The Mystery of Edwin Drood”.
My favourite colour has always been purple.
I also love blue and green.
I love to swim.
I can slalom water ski (or at least I used to!).
I came out a little over 5 years ago.
I love to read—always have.
I also inherited an intense love for movies from my mom.
A bonding moment for us was her taking me to see “Random Harvest” when I was 12.
I also got to know the old musicals because of Mom.
I have never been married and I have no children.
I do have 2 amazing god children though who are in their twenties.
I love children and they love me.
I love to laugh, and some people think I’m funny. ;)
I thought about being a nun.
I’ve been to Bulgaria and Greenland.
I am highly intuitive.
I talk to strangers because they’re always talking to me!
I hate being misunderstood.
I’m trying to get used to it since it seems to happen quite a bit! :)
I am single but hoping…
I like my life.
I heard Ella Fitzgerald in concert.
I play the piano but not as well as I used to.
I thought I wanted to be a hospital chaplain.
That put me on the path to becoming a priest.
It’s in the plans for me to be ordained in March 2010.
I miss my family in Canada.
I got paid to dance as a Trillium in a show once.
I was also a nanny for newborn twins.
My favourite job was working as an attendant in a group home for physically disabled young adults.
I’ve been in NYC for 21 ½ years.
I wrote songs as a teenager and don’t remember any of them.
I love pine trees especially the ones with soft needles.
I love coastlines with bluffs overlooking the sea.
I’m particularly fond of British actresses, my favourites being Maggie Smith, Dame Judi Dench, and Emma Thompson (I think she’s incredibly sexy, not to mention brilliant).
I am an Episcopalian.
I am a passionate person.
I love puppies!
I was a Buffy addict when it was in reruns.
I almost never catch a series on its first run!
I was also a West Wing addict.
Loved Allison Janney because she’s smart, funny, and a nut (oh yeah, and gorgeous!).
I was a Xena addict before I realized I was gay (how obtuse was that!)
I can and do laugh at myself on a regular basis.
People have always told me their secrets.
I’ve never really felt like I belonged.
I feel less like that and experience much less depression since coming out.
I am not a domestic goddess but have deep respect for those who are!
I’m an idealist and romantic.
I’m very sensitive and have an artist’s personality.
I don’t seem to see things the same way as others.
I love beauty.
I love dark chocolate.
I love all kinds of food—variety is the spice of life!
I love all kinds of people—homogeneity does nothing for me.
I am more awed by kindness and wisdom than worldly success.
One of my dearest dreams is world peace.
No I have never been a contestant in a beauty pageant!
I believe in mystery.
and in Mystery.
I dream of being an agent of love, acceptance, and grace in the world.
I dream of being with someone with whom I can pour out the love inside me.
I believe in being true to myself because it’s the only way I can see being true to God and what S/He’s made me to be.
I feel like an expert in grief.
I saw when the first plane hit the Twin Towers on 9/11.
I will not be seeing the movie about it.
I believe that revenge only perpetuates violence.
I get lost sometimes.
I have the best friends in the world.
I am deeply loved.
The only part of me that’s ever been broken is my heart.
I am pretty transparent.
I’m hoping that anyone reading this is still awake.
The first movie I ever saw was “The Sound of Music”.
I love my naps.
I’m desperate for this list to be done.
I have two middle names.
My eyes are green.
I love to travel…so I’m outta here! Bubye!

Help! I’ve been mangled…

2006-08-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

and she can’t get out!! (imagine the above pic in a tight accordian shape!)

So, just had to share what the US Postal Service did to my passport—Express Service no less! Luckily this was my old one not my new one.

Still, it’s been interesting to witness the inner panic when I realized that since they destroyed my passport renewal package, and I had to redo everything and resubmit it, that I am in a position of not being able to leave the country! This does not make me happy. Not that I have a ticket or plans or anything…but I could have! I want to know that I can get out when the urge hits and I never know when that’s going to happen!!!!!

Upon further reflection, it occurs to me that the need to escape at a moment’s notice might also be traced to other areas of my life, like jobs, social commitments, and relationships… uh oh, think we’d better stop right there—too much reality!!!!

Time to escape, I mean go!

The meek shall inherit the earth…

2006-08-01T09:50:00.000-04:00

…but will get screwed on the media. *heavy sigh*

I was all excited last night when I heard from a friend that there would be a debate on CNN between the Rev. Kevin Bean, vicar of St. Bart’s in NYC, and the Rev. Jerry Falwell on whether the events in the Middle East are signs of Armageddon/End Times/2^nd Coming of Christ.

Well, the “debate” lasted maybe 5 minutes, Paula Zahn did more talking than listening, and JF came across as the patronizing defender of the true faith. The man is slick, I’ll give him that. He also managed to imply that Kevin is a heretic by throwing around the “well, we believe in the inerrancy of Scripture and you don’t” tactic. Most people don’t even know what that really means or where the term came from. But they do know that if you don’t agree with it then you’re a fake christian or something. *disgusted heavy sigh*

I know Kevin and he is an intelligent, compassionate, and godly priest who preaches holy, balanced, encouraging and life breathing sermons that inspire God’s people to act and live like they are just that—God’s people. That he came across as fuzzy, slow and possibly confused is unfortunate because he is most definitely none of the above.

What is more unfortunate however is that the media are much more interested in the Jerry Falwells, Pat Robertsons, and James Dobsons because they manage to sensationize Christianity.

I’m not so sure Jesus could get an interview if He came back now. Not much money in a message that’s about love, mercy, forgiveness, and peace. Violence and sex is what sells, even in religion it seems.

Sometimes I really love living here!

2006-07-25T11:24:00.000-04:00

Did I mention that I met this beautiful woman last week? No? How incredibly remiss of me!!

I was walking down Broadway and she was looking for a store--so being the person people usually stop to ask directions of anyway, I volunteered to come to her aid. She was absolutely lovely--warm, friendly, humble, and quite as gorgeous and engaging in person as she is on TV. It was fun talking to her.

Think I might make a habit of taking walks at lunch!

Feeling Trapped

2006-07-24T09:37:00.000-04:00

Woke up this morning and decided I would take a vacation from all things currently causing me agita—the violence in the Middle East, the upheaval in the Episcopal church, the betrayal of my old church, the fact that I’m going to die alone (couldn't find the Drama Queen smiley face!)…
(and it’s not even a full moon nor am I pmsing—be afraid, be very afraid).

But then I found myself writing a response to an article that a friend had posted on her forum and realized that heartbreak held in is worse than heartbreak released, so here I am “releasing.” I wrote:

“Beware all religions that exist to support agendas devoid of love, respect, humility, and grace.

Makes me think of a book I read yesterday where an older lesbian couple were gunned down in their own yard by a hate-filled neighbor and the defense was that he finally lost control because he couldn't take living beside this perverted affront to his Christian sensibilities.

I am so incredibly tired of listening to people's excuses for their ignorance and hate, and I am sickened beyond words that it's justified by calling themselves Christians.

I have to wonder if I'm going to spend the rest of my life apologizing and explaining that that is NOT what Christianity is really about. It's as bad as the non stop barrage of gay stereo types that seem to continually fly about unchallenged. Maybe that's why I'm so depressed right now. I feel so caught in the middle. I'm surrounded by Christians who desperately need to be challenged on what they think they know about what the Bible says about homosexuality, and I live in a world where people are coming more and more to associate my faith with a narrow exclusivity whose sole purpose seems to be to practice a hate and prejudice inspired oppression.

I seem to spend so much of my time wishing or actually trying to get people to let go of their preconceived ideas and consider something different. Something not defined by arrogance and ignorance and judgment and hate.”

I’ve been told: Let it go. Don’t take things personally. Trust God.
All amazingly great advice. So what’s stopping me? I’m an idiot savant in empathy and intuition; I can’t avoid my own life; and if God wills, I will be ordained an Episcopal priest sometime in the next 5 years. (Didn’t know that didja?!) OK, so it’s clear—gotta grow up, let go, trust in God, mature in faith, and develop a deep abiding confidence and peace that “all shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well.”
And I thought seminary was gonna be hard!

Tagged by Tropopause

2006-07-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

Hey kewl! I’ve never been tagged before-guess that makes me a tag virgin! Thanks Ms. T. for the deflowering!

When did you first start blogging and why?
June 18, 2006 ‘cause little miss Bent Fabric created a blog for me and told me to write. She’s cute but bossy! Do I always do what people tell me to do—rarely, so I guess deep down inside I did want to give it a try. Also, been reading everyone else’s blogs for a long time and always felt like a dork when I’d leave a comment with just my name—I mean who is this “Zanne” person anyway?

What don't you talk about? Anything considered a no-no in your book?
Good question and I have no idea yet. Am still trying to figure out what I want to write about by just writing.
I’m pretty transparent in person and I certainly want to be the same here but I want to be respectful of others’ privacy. Will just have to see how that plays out as I go on…

Are you and your blogging persona the same person?
I have a persona?!! Again, I have no idea…I mean does the fact that my avatar is Edna Mode mean I’m hiding or just have a silly sense of humour? I would answer, both! I’m transparent and private at the same time, so if that makes me a paradox in person and in cyberspace then I guess that makes me the same person, right? Could I possibly be over thinking this?

How do you use blogging to build friendships?
I think communication builds friendships and blogging is just one kind. Anytime you show up, listen to another, and offer to be seen yourself, there’s the potential for connection. I’ve met some wonderful people and am very grateful for that.

How would you describe your writing style?
Schizophrenic? Ah, the moody winds blow where they will…I laugh, I cry, I can be loquacious and am frequently afflicted with rampant alliteration. I guess the best way to sum up my writing style is: always honest with a dash of inconsistency and humour thrown in for good measure.

Thank you for coming and playing “Tag You’re It”! I now tag Bent Fabric (‘cause she needs to get writing again and ‘cause I’m feeling the need for revenge! muahaha!)

Home, War, Heartbreak aka Silencing the Gnats ;)

2006-07-19T10:42:00.000-04:00

Ok the little thought gnats are buzzing around so loudly it’s deafening inside my wee little head, so let’s let a few out and see what kind of peace can be achieved.

Just got back from a long weekend with my family in northern Ontario—Canada, that is. My Mom lives in a beautiful home on a lake where the sun shines in my bedroom window to wish me good morning, and then sets on the other side of the house across the bay, so I can bid the day adieu from the porch. It’s really breathtakingly beautiful and I love being there. I also love being with my family. Are we perfect? Hardly, but I am who I am because of them. I’ve lived apart from them for over 18 years and sometimes I think I forget who I am—going home grounds me and I am so grateful to have them. Grateful that they put up with me and keep loving me no matter what.

I celebrated my birthday while there and the rest of the time I spent watching CNN. I have this need to understand things, so I sat and listened. I heard the reporters, the leaders of Lebanon and Israel, the military strategists, the Middle East experts, and the families that are waiting to find out if their loved ones will get out. Then I heard my own heart and mind that told me, “that didn’t make sense; he’s lying; they don’t care about the civilians; they’ve got to stop; those poor people; God help us all.” Last night on BBC News a reporter spoke to a man who lived in a neighborhood where the houses had been decimated. He knew the people that were buried but there’s no question of rescuing them or retrieving the bodies. There are no fork lifts or people to dig through the rubble and the one UN envoy that was on the way to help got bombed. Can you imagine if that happened to us? If our world collapsed and there was no one to help. Actually, I guess it did happen to us—many of us—it was called Katrina. We do know what it is to be powerless and hopeless. So how should we respond? How do we respond? Just askin’…

OK, and the last thing is one more notch for my grief belt. Before leaving for Canada I was contacted by my old rector. He’d been interviewed for an article in The NY Times and the reporter wanted to speak to me for an opposing point of view. (I’d left the church because of its stance on homosexuality). Obviously, it was a fairly amicable parting for us to still be friends and in touch. We just simply agreed to disagree. Anyway, I declined the interview. I just read the article and my old church has decided to leave the Episcopal church and join the Anglican Network (the conservative alternative that disagrees with the movements going on in the Episcopal church).

You know what? I’ve been gentle and open and honest but I need to say outloud:
“M. you’re making a mistake. You’re not really open to hearing things you don’t agree with even though you think you are. How is it that no one has loved you enough to point out to you that the things coming out of your mouth are wrong and hypocritical? Was I supposed to be that person? Did I fail you because I didn’t fight harder to be heard? I know you’re wrong because I’ve been you. I’ve taken the high road for what I believed in my youth and much much later have realized that I had a lot of growing up to do. Perhaps it will change you the way it changed me. You were quoted as saying, “…unity, but at what cost?” I would say to you, “Your integrity, but at what cost?” Do you really in your heart of hearts think that God feels the way you do or is asking you to make this decision? You’ve always been a humble man, one of the reasons I loved you, but is that mutually exclusive with wisdom? Can you really not even consider that your beliefs are very much influenced by your culture, upbringing and personal temperament? Are you so absolutely sure of being right that you won’t even consider other voices that could perhaps help, teach, and correct your misperceptions? Or is it simply more important to you to be right? Truthfully my friend, if I were your spiritual director I’d ask you to consider whether God values more your trust in the dark then your bravado in the half-light. Maybe I’m the only one for whom the question even makes any sense… God go with you my brother.”

This concludes today’s ranting and raving. I’m sure the post is too long but the gnats are quiet. Peace at last. Exhale.

Happy Birthday to me!!

2006-07-14T19:26:00.000-04:00

(how self-involved was that!! )

In lieu of all the things I could be ranting and raving about--is it a full moon by any chance?--I've decided to stay in the birthday mode for this day.

Uh, because it's my birthday.

So, here I am!

Commercial Time

2006-07-11T10:17:00.000-04:00

I'd just like to draw your attention to the widget (that's apparently what it's called, for all the other techno tards like me out there) on my sidebar. The pledge is to see the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" when it opens. Well of course it's already opened, but I put it up because if you haven't seen it, I want to STRONGLY urge that you run, not walk to your nearest theatre.

Everyone must see this. Global warming is a crisis that will require a response from us all. And it isn't something that can wait. Please do see it and tell everyone you know to see it too.

That completes my commercial plug, but I'm not promising that it won't come up again!

Monday's Meditation

2006-07-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

Saw this pinned up outside the chapel of my favorite convent (yes, I frequent convents—well actually just one)

Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
we are, quite naturally,
impatient in everything to reach the end
without delay.
We should like to skip
the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually—
let them grown,
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and
circumstances acting
on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

--Teilhard de Chardin

TMI Time

2006-07-08T19:11:00.000-04:00

OK, time to vent. Once a month, or sometimes twice depending on the full moon and my cycle, my closeted “Empath” escapes her confinement. She’s been sitting in darkness for several weeks, suffocating on the pain and injustice that fills her vision. This morning she woke up gasping for air and light and hope and with the need to cry aloud.

There is a cloud and buzzing around within it are many elements—each sufficient agony unto itself and yet not to be taken alone but rather in connection to every other existing element which comprises the whole. There is all the disillusionment, disappointment, and pain around General Convention’s B033 resolution; there is the pain that is being expressed everywhere about NY’s ban on same sex marriage.

I read about it on blogs. I saw it last night on TV while watching “In The Life.” I see it in my own life as I grapple with the grief of losing my church family and friends because they hold their self-affirmed righteousness in higher regard than Christ’s mandate to love. I have set a goal for myself to learn to really listen to those who disagree and even hate me. I desire to become the kind of person who can remain calm in the midst of heated discussion and can return a loving and compassionate word to one that is angry, condemning, and hate filled. (Good luck with that!) I will need much practice and infinite grace.

I watched “In The Life” last night and listened to the voices that oppose gay rights. They did it with such smug self-satisfied certainty that I could feel my stomach turn and my blood boil. I kept thinking, “I should turn it off. This is not good for me.” But I couldn’t turn it off. I watched with the same magnetic horror that kept me glued to the TV after 9/11.

Melodramatic, you think? Not in the least. If anything it is an understatement of how I would describe the depth of my feelings. People, my people, are proclaiming hate and are smearing God’s name. I am embarrassed, even ashamed, to be called by the same name as these “christians.”

I read this morning on someone’s blog that their partner no longer wears their grandmother’s heirloom cross because they feel so betrayed by the agenda of prejudice and injustice of these “christian conservatives” that rejoice in another’s oppression. I wanted to scream, rend my garments, and pour ashes upon my head. When I read on another blog about the response of a militant conservative church in Dallas to the events of General Convention, I had the same reaction and thought I would be sick—literally. Someone I deeply loved goes to that church and my depth of horror that that person could go along with and even justify such a violation of Christ’s love feels like something akin to rape.

This is the language my heart employs to express its distress—words of violence and destruction. I will not copy the arrogance of my brothers and sisters by proclaiming certainties, but I will say that my heart suspects that God is weeping.

The voices of hatred, misunderstanding, injustice, and oppression are very loud right now. But I’m hearing other voices out there, too. Voices filled with love, compassion, long-suffering, and faith that are proclaiming hope and calling us to courage. My highest hope is that I will be one of them.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Fabulous Fifth Avenue with the Family

2006-07-06T11:28:00.000-04:00

The above title was taken from the patter of a very funny and authentic NYC bus tour operator. Yes, this weekend I was on a red double decker bus touring the city—not once, but twice!

In fact, I did quite a few things I don’t usually do, like: going to a Broadway show (we saw Wicked and it was FANTASTIC!), cruising NY harbor (harbour for the Canadians out there), barbeque at Tavern on the Green, and eating at Juniors (nope, I didn’t have room for the cheese cake after the monster pastrami sandwich—but what a sandwich it was!!)

Yep, I was a total tourist and I had a ball! And said frivolity was all in honor of my miraculous mother’s 80th birthday! Woo hoo! She looks GREAT!! I’ll post a picture when I get one. It was seriously wonderful to have my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and adopted brother here in the city.

Note to self: dwell on your blessings 'cause there’s a ton of them!

...and back to laughter!

2006-06-30T10:10:00.000-04:00

This started to cheer me up!
So which t-shirt should I get?!

Neither death, nor life, nor angels,
nor Bishops, nor the Anglican Communion
can separate us from the love of Christ.
Episcopal Church USA

Is a bad hair day a manner of life?

I helped strain the bonds of affection.

From Laughter to Tears

2006-06-26T09:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I went from the exhilaration and hope instilled in me from the election of our first woman Presiding Bishop to a brokenhearted “huh?”

Resolution B033 was passed at the Episcopal General Convention charging “Standing Committees and bishops with jurisdiction to exercise restraint by not consenting to the consecration of any candidate to the episcopate whose manner of life [meaning homosexuals] presents a challenge to the wider church and will lead to further strains on communion.” (insertion & italics mine) . I have worn myself out this week reading all the discussions and debate. I can honestly say that I see both sides although I do not pretend to grasp all the intricacies involved. I do not judge those who forged this resolution nor do I condemn those who voted for it. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for all involved.

On a purely personal level, I would like to say that I grieve. It’s hard to express why, beyond the obvious that is.

I read this quote from Martin Luther King’s letter from a Birmingham Jail (found in the comment section of “Father Jake Stops the World” by “Mike in Texas”—sorry that I haven’t figured out how to link stuff yet):
[...]
I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.
[...]

I cannot help but wonder if we will look back and say, “My God, what have we done?” because we will have realized that we mistakenly tried to set the timetable for another’s freedom and justice, thinking our lukewarm and shallow acceptance was all that was required or even necessary.

But as I was reminded in a sermon this last Sunday, God is still in control and we do not yet see how this time will be used to further the movement and purpose of the Spirit. I do not see it or understand it, so I grieve. I think God understands.

History Has Been Made!

2006-06-19T15:13:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori was elected the first woman to be the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church, also making her the first woman Primate in the worldwide Anglican Communion, and I can’t stop smiling!

This is HUGE people! I want to laugh and cry at the same time. It’s crazy. I do not know this woman. I do not want to become a bishop. But there is in this, something that changes everything. A group that is predominantly men, voted to make this happen. The majority of people wanted this. She cares about what I care about—inclusion of all people; implementing the UN’s Millennium Development Goals for embracing and celebrating diversity, and eradicating poverty and hunger; creating an environmentally sustainable world.

And if you’re a believing kind of person, there’s the aspect of God’s participation in the process that made her Presiding Bishop. God wanted this.

God and people wanted this and that means something. Something that makes me have hope. Hope for a clearer vision of what’s truly important. Hope for more love and grace among God’s people. Hope that all the ways we have obscured the face of God will be washed clean so that God’s radiance shines. Shines to us and through us and transforms us.

Goethe wrote: Nothing is worth more than this day. Well, it is indeed a new day, and I for one am rejoicing!

A blog breech birth

2006-06-18T18:13:00.000-04:00

My deepest gratitude to Bent Fabric for coercing me, I mean creating for me this new outlet of expression! (Beware brilliant friends on marguarita highs!)

I am flattered that said patron actually thinks I have things to say and am nervous that I will disappoint and the creator will rue the day this goofball, prone to channelling Edna Mode, was unleashed upon the unsuspecting blogsphere!

But as "Ee" says "I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." So, I will "Go! Confront the problem! Fight! Win! And call me when you get back, darling. I enjoy our visits."

Yes, Edna...

Welcome to Your New Blog

2006-06-17T20:43:00.000-04:00

Now you don't have an excuse for not starting a blog because I have taken the liberty of starting one for you.

Now you can do a little dance.

Make a little love.

And pretty much get down tonight.